


Drop Our Anchors in a Storm

by artificialghoul



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Eventual Romance, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gen, M/M, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, Slow Build, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-03-20 19:11:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3661707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialghoul/pseuds/artificialghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tokyo Ghoul was one of the world's strongest jaegers until a disaster during a mission left it minus one pilot. With the end of the world looming on the horizon, the Pan Pacific Defense Corps is desperate to find a replacement -- and that's where Hide comes in. Luckily for the PPDC, he's drift compatible with Tokyo Ghoul's remaining pilot, Kaneki Ken.</p><p>But unfortunately for Hide, things are never as simple as they seem. From the moment he arrives, things seem to go wrong. The events leading up to Tokyo Ghoul's disastrous last mission are shrouded in secrecy, his white-haired co-pilot has more baggage than any one person deserves, pilot-potentials are out to sabotage him at every turn, and with more and more kaiju coming through the Breach, the stakes are mounting.</p><p>Can Hide figure out how to help Kaneki before the end of the world?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Phase: Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Tokyo Shatterdome is not what Hide expected.

Hide tightened his grip on the heavy bag beside him and tried desperately to avoid looking out any of the windows. If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend like he wasn't thousands of feet in the air over Japan right now. Until the helicopter tilted and the nausea returned.

He stared at the ceiling of the small passenger cabin and tried to think about anything except the whirling blades above him and the solid ground far far below him. He failed.

If he'd been given the choice, he would have just caught a bus or a train to the shatterdome himself. It wouldn't have taken that much longer than flying. But his superiors in the Pan Pacific Defense Corps were not open for negotiations. So here he was, flying back to Tokyo, and trying not to be sick with panic.

When he'd first joined the PPDC, it had seemed like the only thing to do. With the threat of total destruction looming over the world, Hide couldn't just sit back and wait. He had to do something. And obviously the best option had been joining the PPDC. He'd expected the work to be hard, that he'd be asked to do things that would push him, that they would use him however they saw fit whether he agreed with their decisions or not. That was why he'd joined in the first place -- to be useful.

But he hadn't expected to be told he was being recruited into the jaeger program after he tried out a drift simulator on a whim, and then put on a helicopter and flown to the nearest shatterdome the next day.

As he understood it, the higher-ups were especially pressed to find a new pilot after the last drop ended in disaster for one of Japan's best jaegers. One pilot, Kamishiro Rize, wound up in critical condition after the battle, and was currently hospitalized with no release date in sight. They were in need of a replacement pilot, and fast, or they would be one jaeger short.

That was where Hide came in. According to the suits who'd briefed him, his simulation results indicated he was a perfect match for the remaining pilot -- a rare thing and a lucky break for the PPDC. Drift compatibility was a fussy beast, and there was no guarantee among even the closest of friends or relatives that any pair would be compatible. But apparently, Hide was just the person they needed.

Despite never having met, he and Kaneki Ken were drift compatible. And that meant that, for better or for worse, Hide would now be controlling one of the only weapons in humanity's fight against giant monsters, along with a stranger who matched him perfectly. Hide wasn't sure what to think about the situation.

He risked a glance out the window, and to his great relief, saw a familiar structure rapidly approaching. They’d finally arrived. Hide held his breath as the helicopter descended, only letting it out when he felt the craft touch down. As soon as the pilots gave the signal, he snatched up his bag and leapt out of the helicopter as fast as he could. Solid ground had never felt so welcoming.

"Nagachika?" a voice shouted to be heard over the drone of the helicopter. Hide looked up and saw that the voice belonged to a man in a high-ranking uniform, standing a few feet away from the platform.

"Yes, sir?" Hide asked, approaching with his bag slung over his shoulder.

"Ranger Amon Koutarou," the man greeted with a sharp bow. Hide returned it. "Welcome to the Tokyo Shatterdome. I'll be escorting you to your quarters, and taking you to finish your documentation."

"Sounds good to me," Hide replied, happy to just be on the ground. "After you!"

Amon led him into the shatterdome and through a series of passages Hide tried to memorize, finally coming to a stop before a door that appeared -- to Hide, at least -- exactly the same as every other door in the hallway.

“This will be your suite, which you will share with Ranger Kaneki. You each have a private bedroom, along with a shared living space and bathroom.” Amon held out a key card. “This will get you in. Feel free to drop off your belongings before we continue.”

Hide took the key and held it over the card reader, wondering what he would do if Kaneki was inside. He swiped the card quickly and pushed open the door and tried to brace himself.

The door swung open to reveal a small living space. Directly across from him was a couch, facing a small monitor on the back wall. A few meters away was a small personal fridge and a few kitchen appliances, including a coffee maker. An open door to his side showed a glimpse of a small bathroom. But besides the meager furnishings, the room was empty. Hide wasn’t sure if he should be grateful.

“Your room will be the one on the left,” Amon advised, and Hide nodded in response.

He took the few steps to his new bedroom door, glancing at the door on the other side of the room that apparently led to Kaneki’s bedroom, but no one appeared. Hide dropped his bag on the floor of his room, his shoulder grateful to be free of the weight, and glanced around. The room was small and bare, except for a bed, a small desk and chair, and a wardrobe.

“Well, this certainly feels cozy,” Hide joked.

“Feel free to decorate. This is your home now, after all.”

Hide smiled and nodded, but hearing Amon call this place “home” didn’t feel quite right. Maybe the place would grow on him, but for now, this room felt more like a cell.

Amon seemed to understand Hide’s hesitation, and tilted his head back towards the front door. “Shall we? You still need to properly check in.”

Hide smiled again. “Of course! Lead the way, sir!”

He followed Amon back through still more corridors, Amon spouting off facts and features of the shatterdome that Hide only half listened to, and the two finally stopped at a series of elevators. They entered one, and as the doors slid closed behind them, Amon's focus of conversation turned to the topic Hide was most interested in.

“We currently have three operational jaegers in the shatterdome, and one undergoing repairs,” Amon informed. “Of our operational machines, there’s _Shining Vengeance_ , piloted by myself and Mado Akira. _Masked Rabbit_ is piloted by the Kirishima siblings, Touka and Ayato. And then, of course, there’s the jaeger you’ll be piloting with Kaneki Ken.”

Hide nodded, trying to commit the names to memory. He’d heard of the jaegers before, at least. _Shining Vengeance_ had the well-earned reputation of being quick and precise on its drops. _Masked Rabbit_ had a spotty record, but was piloted by the youngest pair of rangers in the PPDC, who were only expected to improve. And then, there was...

“Have you seen her yet?” Amon asked, as if reading his mind.

“No,” Hide replied softly. He knew Amon meant his jaeger -- the colossal machine Hide would soon be piloting against monsters from another world. He clenched his fists.

Amon smiled beside him. “Then brace yourself.”

Hide had half a second to realize what that meant before the wall in front of them disappeared. The elevator shaft became a skeleton at this height, allowing the passengers an unhindered view. Hide knew Amon had chosen this elevator on purpose, because directly before them stood a jaeger with jaws of jagged metal teeth -- _Tokyo Ghoul_.

“The jaw was added at Kamishiro’s request," Amon stated, as if he knew exactly where Hide's thoughts were headed. Hide could swear he heard a hint of exasperation in his superior's voice.

Hide turned his focus back to the huge jaws, watching the way the light shifted over them as their elevator rose higher. They looked fearsome, brutal. He felt a shiver run down his spine at the thought that he was expected to pilot that monster, that he would control those jaws.

And then a new wall slid into his vision, and the jaeger was gone as quickly as it had appeared. Moments later, the elevator slowed to a halt, and the doors behind them opened with a whir.

Amon nodded towards the door, and Hide followed him down a new hallway. Eventually, they paused in front of a new door, and after Amon swiped his key card, they entered.

Inside was a small room with a desk, and a hallway leading to more closed doors. The person sitting behind the desk glanced up when the pair entered, and Amon nodded in greeting.

The person seemed to recognize Amon, and asked, "Is this the new arrival?"

Amon nodded. "This is Ranger Nagachika Hideyoshi."

The person smiled and beckoned Hide over, and for the next hour, Hide was drowning in paperwork. He thought with all the forms he had to complete before he even left for the shatterdome, "checking in" would just require a couple of signatures. By the time he finally finished, his wrist was aching.

"Was that all really necessary?" he gumbled to Amon in the hallway after they left.

Amon laughed. "Sorry, but we all had to fill out the same paperwork. There's quite a bit of red tape involved in piloting jaegers."

When the pair reached the elevators, Amon paused, and held out the large package of documents, which he'd apparently retrieved from the office while Hide was filling out paperwork.

“This is for you. These materials include maps of the shatterdome, as well as reports deemed useful to you, protocol information, and some other documents it would benefit you to peruse. And I think a mess hall schedule as well,” he added with a smile. "I have some other business to attend, so I'll have to leave you here. Will you be able to find your way alone?"

Hide smiled nervously. "I'm sure I'll be able to figure it out."

"Then I'll see you tomorrow morning at our first training session," Amon said cheerily, and left back down the maze of corridors.

Hide hesitated at the elevator, and considered thumbing through the packet of papers he was holding to find the maps Amon mentioned. He dismissed that idea as soon as it crossed his mind. He could find his way without. And if not, getting lost and wandering through half the shatterdome was the best way to find out where everything is, right?

He was wrong. At least, partially. He got lost immediately, but he still couldn’t bring himself to pull out the map. Wandering the shatterdome had turned out to be somewhat calming, especially when he had nothing to do and nowhere to be until the next morning. He stumbled across some research labs, a few engineering wings, the mess hall, and even a recreational area and a gym.

Eventually, Hide found himself back in front of _Tokyo Ghoul_. She looked even more fearsome up close, towering hundreds of feet above him, all gleaming metal and power. He struggled to catch his breath when it occurred to him again that he was expected to pilot that thing -- that he would be controlling it.

"Impressive, isn't she?" a voice behind him asked. Hide turned to find a tall, muscular man approaching, carrying a large bag slung over his shoulder. The man stopped beside Hide and glanced up at the jaeger.

"She's incredible," he answered honestly, still feeling breathless.

The man held out his hand. “The name is Banjou, and I’m the one in charge of maintaining her,” he said, nodding his head towards the jaeger.

Hide beamed and took his hand. "Nice to meet you, Banjou. You can call me Hide. And I guess I'm the guy that's gonna be piloting her now."

Banjou raised his brows. "No kidding? Then hopefully you'll be a better match for Kaneki than Rize was."

Hide frowned. "I'd heard they had the highest sync rates of any team."

"Well, when they were in the drift, at least. Outside the jaeger, that was a different story," Banjou remarked, and Hide frowned in confusion.

"Did Kaneki and Kamishiro... not get along?" Hide ventured.

Banjou glanced up at him, then cleared his throat as his gaze shifted down again, apparently realizing he'd said too much. "That's not the way I would describe it, but..."

There was a long pause. Banjou seemed to be hoping Hide would drop the conversation, ask him a different question. But Hide remained silent and kept his gaze fixed on the mechanic. Finally, the other man caved.

"Rize wasn't the type of person to make friends. Rize was... She was brilliant. Intuitive and resourceful in a fight. With unmatched strength. But." Banjou looked away, letting his voice trail off. "She didn't care for people. And, Kaneki... He wasn't like that at all."

Hide didn't miss the way he spoke of Kaneki in past tense. Another silence fell between them, and Hide still waited, hoping Banjou would elaborate. Instead he laughed.

"That's all you're getting from me on that topic. I shouldn't have said anything at all."

Hide nodded, "I won't tell anyone you said anything."

Banjou bowed his head in thanks.

"Um. Actually, there was something else I was wondering about. Ranger Amon mentioned there was a jaeger being repaired here, but he didn't mention which one?"

Banjou nodded. "That would be _One-Eyed Owl_ ," he said solemnly.

Hide gaped. "Wait, really? _The_ Owl? I didn't realize it was back in Japan." The Owl had a reputation across the world as one of the most brutal and powerful jaegers ever built. It was piloted by a father-daughter team that had largely stayed out of the spotlight, despite their jaeger being a household name. But, something had happened during their last mission a few months ago -- something that was kept tightly confidential -- and they hadn't been deployed since.

"Are the pilots here?" Hide wondered aloud.

"Now that's something you'll have to ask the higher-ups about. I'm just a mechanic," Banjou shrugged and picked up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. "Anyway, I need to be going. Nice meeting you, Hide. See you around."

Hide watched Banjou go, and the gnawing uncertainty that had been building inside him since before he arrived grew.

 

* * *

 

He’d decided to return to his quarters for the evening and get some sleep, but now that Hide was standing in front of his door, he wondered what he would do if the other occupant was inside. He was simultaneously thrilled and terrified. But he wasn’t one for inaction.

He swiped his card and pushed open the door to find the room as empty as he’d left it. He let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, and took a few steps towards Kaneki’s room.

“Kaneki?” Hide called, ignoring the way his heart pounded in his chest. Seconds ticked by in deafening silence, and Hide tried again. “Kaneki? Are you in there?”

He waited. But there was no sound from behind the door. Hide hesitated, nervously scratching the back of his head, but still nothing happened.

Finally, he retreated to his room and resigned himself to a night alone reading over paperwork.

He plopped down in the chair at his small desk and thumbed through the documents Amon had given him earlier. He scanned through some of the protocol review pages, but most of this was already familiar to him, and he figured there would be plenty of time to learn procedures later. He had a horrible memory for that kind of stuff anyway -- he always learned better by doing.

Hide flipped a page, ready to give up and go to sleep for the night, when he saw the title of the next document. It was the final report from Kaneki and Kamishiro’s last mission. He stared at it for a long moment. He still knew nothing about the events leading up to his recruitment, save that Kamishiro had been injured to the point where she could no longer pilot. This report would tell him exactly what happened. His curiosity was consuming him, even as a small part of him told him that he didn’t really want to know. Finally, he forced himself to pick up the report, and flipped open the cover.

Hide skimmed through the first part of the report, which noted procedures and boring administrative things that Hide didn’t care about at the moment. Finally, ten pages in, he found what he was looking for: the official details of the battle.

Much of the report seemed to be missing -- Hide guessed his security clearance wasn’t high enough to warrant being given the full report -- but he was able to get a decent picture of the mission’s background.

A category IV kaiju -- codename Yamori -- exited the Breach late in the evening on December 19th. Yamori headed straight toward Tokyo, and was projected to make landfall just after midnight on December 20th. _Tokyo Ghoul_ was selected to intercept Yamori off the coast of Japan and prevent him from reaching land.

The beginning of the mission progressed without a problem. All system settings, scans, and tests were within normal ranges. The pilots were synced at levels similar to previous drops. Vital signs were showing no significant distress, and psychological scans were stable.

Even the confrontation with Yamori seemed normal at first -- at least as far as kaiju battles went. But then, the report seemed to skip ahead. One paragraph, Kamishiro and Kaneki were engaging the kaiju and all fields were normal. The next, Kamishiro was unresponsive and out of the drift, and _Tokyo Ghoul_ had suffered a massive amount of damage. Another paragraph, and the battle was over, but Hide had no idea how Kaneki managed to win.

Hide frowned and skimmed through the next section of the report, which described the medical conditions of the pilots following the battle. Kamishiro suffered massive injuries, including broken bones, a crushed rib cage, a collapsed lung, and severe head injuries. She had remained unconscious and was whisked away to the medical ward immediately, where her condition was stabilized. But as far as Hide knew, she still hadn’t woken up.

Kaneki’s injuries were far less critical. According to the report, "The remaining pilot sustained minor physical injuries. Those sustained and treated include severe bruising to all fingertips, and numerous self-inflicted lacerations to the tongue. At the time of this report, the pilot is currently still unable to speak. No other trauma or injuries were sustained --"

Hide had to stop reading, and leaned his head back against the wall. Kaneki had bitten his own tongue during the battle. Multiple times. And his fingertips were bruised -- was that from gripping the jaeger’s controls too tightly? Hide winced. It must have been the pressure of the neural load.

He risked another glance at the report, and saw something that caused a pain in his chest: "Additionally, the pilot's hair was noted to have turned entirely white.”

What had happened in that cockpit during the battle? What could have caused Kaneki’s hair to turn white? Taking the entire weight of the neural load alone had caused serious problems for test subjects in the past, but Hide had never heard of it changing someone’s hair color. His heart ached for this man he didn’t even know.

He forced himself to keep reading, but the report didn’t answer any of his questions. The conclusion attempted to explain what happened and how to prevent similar events in the future, but none of it seemed to bear any weight. The report switched topics erratically, leaving Hide with the feeling that more information had been cut out, and the claims the report made rang hollow -- like the kind of bureaucratic nonsense the authors were required to include but didn’t actually believe. But one detail near the end did catch his eye.

"It had been previously noted that Ranger Kamishiro caused Ranger Kaneki significant psychological distress --" the report noted.

What did that mean? Hide wondered. He recalled what Banjou said about the two of them, and his curiosity grew stronger. He skimmed through the rest of the paragraph, but nothing more was mentioned. But a few lines down, Hide read something that didn’t surprise him.

"-- given their performance during drift compatibility testing and during deployment missions, this distress was not considered an impediment to --"

Hide scoffed. Of course, as long as Kaneki could still fight, the higher-ups wouldn't care what kind of "psychological distress" he suffered.

Hide scanned through the rest of the report, but found nothing that would help him paint a clearer picture of Kamishiro, Kaneki, or the fight against Yamori.

He sighed and closed the document, leaning back in his chair to stare at the ceiling. His mind swam with unanswered questions, and the silence of his room weighed down on him. He wondered if Kaneki was in the bedroom just a few meters away at this very moment.

Hide stilled his breathing and listened hard, trying to catch any hints of movement or life in the other room. But he heard nothing, and let out his breath with another heavy sigh. Maybe tomorrow would bring more answers.

 

* * *

 

Unfortunately for Hide, his day was not off to a great start. He’d tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep comfortably in the unfamiliar room, and stayed in bed far longer than he’d intended. It was already after eight by the time he dragged himself out of bed. His first training session was in two hours, and there was no way he’d get everything he’d planned done by then.

He rushed through his morning routine, only just remembering to snatch the map from his room before leaving. At the door, he paused, glancing over his shoulder toward Kaneki’s room. He should be awake by now, right? He hesitated, before finally deciding to risk calling out to him again. After all, if Kaneki answered, maybe he could save himself a trip to Amon’s office.

He waited by the door, called out again, but his only response was silence. Maybe the other pilot had already left for breakfast, or, wherever he went in his free time. Hide sighed and slipped out of the room, heading straight for Amon’s office. If he couldn’t ask Kaneki himself, he’d settle for the next best person.

But what he found in Amon’s office was not what he’d expected. A woman was standing over a desk, sorting paperwork, and she didn’t bother to greet him when he entered the room.

Hide stood frozen in the doorway for a few moments, before finally snapping out of his surprise. “Where is Amon?” he asked.

“He’s out,” the woman replied without looking up.

Hide hesitated, unsure if he should ask this woman for the information he wanted, or just come back later.

“Do you need something, or are you just going to stand there?” The woman’s sharp voice cut through Hide’s thoughts.

“Um, I’m sorry, who are you?” he asked, deciding this was a safe way to determine his next course of action.

The woman looked up finally. “Ranger Mado Akira. I pilot with Ranger Amon.” She looked him over once. “You must be Nagachika.”

Hide nodded. “I was wondering if Amon might be able to answer some questions for me. About Tokyo Ghoul.”

Akira raised a brow. “What do you want to know?”

Hide took a deep breath to steel himself, then continued. “Well, specifically, I want to know what happened to Kaneki. During his last mission.”

Akira stiffened, then placed her pen down on the desk in front of her.

"He was evaluated and deemed fit to pilot, if that is your concern. You should not have problems carrying out missions with him," she said carefully, then fixed her gaze back on her work.

"That's not what I -" Hide cut himself off, unsure what he was trying to say.

"You should have been given a report," Akira answered without looking up.

"I read it." He paused to gather his thoughts before continuing.

Akira still did not reply.

Hide clenched his fists at his sides, and decided to be honest. "It seemed like something was missing from the report. Something important that happened to Ranger Kaneki. And... I'd like to know what I'm getting into before I drift."

Akira looked up at that, and fixed Hide with a long stare. "You don't think you should ask the person you'll be drifting with?"

"Of course," Hide said quickly. "And I will. But, we still haven't met yet. And that's not exactly a conversation for the first date, you know?"

Akira stared. Hide thought maybe trying to joke had been a mistake.

Finally, she answered. “If you’re unsatisfied with the report, I can’t help you. You were given all the information your clearance level permits you to access.” Akira picked up her pen again. “Now, if there’s nothing else?”

Hide took the hint. “No, no, that was it. I’ll just be going, then.”

Akira didn’t bother to respond, and didn’t look up when Hide showed himself out of the office.

Hide wondered if he should try to find Amon, but he had a feeling that even if Amon was willing to help, he'd be overridden by his scary co-pilot. He checked the time and saw he still had time before his first training session today, and the grumbling in his stomach urged him to spend at least part of it in the mess hall. As long as he could remember where it was.

 

* * *

 

Hide was proud to say he only got lost once on the way to the dining hall, and he didn't even have to consult a map. Navigating the sea of tables in the hall, however, was a different story.

He stood awkwardly with his tray of food, glancing around at the different tables and wondering where he should sit, when he finally spotted two familiar faces. He'd never met them in person, but he'd seen enough news articles with their pictures in them to know who they were -- the Kirishima siblings. They were sitting with a small girl Hide didn't recognize, but otherwise their table was empty.

Hide smiled and made his way towards them. They had to meet eventually, and now was as good a time as any.

"Do you mind if I sit?" Hide asked cheerfully as he plopped down across the table from the siblings.

The two of them looked up at him with identical expressions of confusion and irritation.

"Uh, sorry to interrupt your breakfast!" Hide quickly explained, "But I recognized the two of you! You're the Kirishimas, right? Touka and Ayato?"

Ayato looked down his nose at Hide, and Touka raised a brow. "What do you want?" she asked bluntly.

"Just to introduce myself!" Hide said happily, mildly put off by their demeanor, but trying not to show it. "I'm Nagachika Hideyoshi -- you can call me Hide -- and I was just brought in as a new pilot."

Touka's eyes widened in recognition. "Oh. So you're the one they found."

"That's me!" Hide grinned cheekily. He turned to the girl sitting beside Touka, who had been buried in a book before he joined their table. "Are you a pilot too?"

The girl giggled. "No! I'm not. I'm just a student at the academy," she told him happily. "My name is Hinami."

"Nice to meet you, Hinami!" Hide beamed at her.

"Oi, Kirishimas," a new voice greeted. A man with wild red-brown hair had taken a seat at their table. "Hinami," he nodded, and the small girl smiled at him.

"Hello, Nishiki!"

 The man -- Nishiki, apparently -- fixed his eyes on Hide and took a sip from his mug of coffee.

"Who're you?" he asked dryly.

Hide smiled uncomfortabely. "The name's Nagachika Hideyoshi, but everyone calls me Hide."

Nishiki grunted and looked away, apparently completely disinterested. "Nishio Nishiki."

"He's Rize's replacement," Ayato added, and Nishiki's gaze returned to Hide.

He looked Hide up-and-down, critical eyes appraising, and shrugged. “You have some big shoes to fill, new guy,” Nishiki remarked, taking another sip of his coffee.

"You mean literally?" Hide joked, receiving a glare from Nishiki.

“Brother and Miss Rize were the strongest team in the world!” Hinami excitedly explained, apparently missing Hide's admittedly terrible joke.

“Their sync rates were higher than any other team, is what she means,” Ayato remarked, noticeably bristling. Hide made a note to himself not to compare teams when Ayato was around.

“They were also undefeated. And more than once, they were called out to save other teams.” Nishiki shot a pointed glance at Ayato, who pointedly didn’t notice. “Anyway, I hope you can work miracles, new guy. Losing Rize was a big hit to our Shatterdome. And Kaneki hasn’t really been the same either,” he added, and took another sip of his coffee.

“Stop running your mouth, shitty Nishiki,” Touka spat, stabbing at the food on her plate.

Hinami sighed and opened her book again, apparently recognizing that this conversation was going somewhere familiar.

“I’m just stating facts, shitty Touka,” Nishiki grumbled.

Ayato scoffed. “You act like the rest of us are useless.”

Nishiki smirked. “I’m not the one who said it.”

“Keep talking if you want to start your day with a trip to the infirmary,” Ayato growled.

Nishiki narrowed his eyes and leaned forward. He opened his mouth and --

“Are you antagonizing the pilots again, Nishio?” a new voice called, just in time to diffuse the situation.

Hide looked up to see a woman with straight black hair and a man with a large nose approaching. Ayato and Nishiki both sat back in their chairs, glaring at each other from across the table.

“They’re the ones threatening me!” Nishiki scoffed. “Besides, it’s not my fault the Kirishimas have such short tempers.”

Touka huffed and opened her mouth to retort, but an exasperated glance from the woman sent her back to picking angrily at her breakfast.

“Ah, you must be the new pilot,” the man was saying.

Hide smiled and rubbed the back of his head. “That’s me.”

The pair smiled back at him. "Hopefully we'll get a chance to meet properly sometime soon," the woman said warmly.

The two said quick goodbyes to the others at the table, then walked away to join a group of people leaving the mess hall.

“That was Koma and Irimi,” Nishiki stated, watching the pair leave. “They were ranger prospectives for a while, but they burnt out during training.”

“Burned out?” Hide asked, suddenly feeling worried. It hadn’t occurred to him that he might not make it through training.

Nishiki took another sip of coffee. “They couldn’t handle the drift.”

“When did you become such a gossip, shitty Nishiki?” Touka cut in.

“What? It’s common knowledge. And it’s not like it’s shameful. The drift isn’t for everyone.”

Ayato smirked at that. “Is the shit-talker admitting he couldn’t cut it in the drift?”

“Hell no,” Nishiki said easily. “I know my place, and it’s in the lab, far far away from the drift. I’ve seen the kind of shit it does to people. No, thank you.”

Ayato scoffed and went back to picking at his food, apparently deciding that starting an argument over Nishiki’s comments wasn’t worth it.

A brief silence fell across the table, and Hide’s mind drifted back to the questions that had been plaguing him since before he arrived at the shatterdome. Nishiki seemed to be in a talkative mood, and to know a lot about the shatterdome. Hinami seemed close to Kaneki. And Ayato and Touka were pilots -- they had to know something.

Hide cleared his throat, deciding it couldn’t hurt to ask. “Um. Actually, I was wondering about something. Maybe you could help me?”

“Ask away,” Nishiki answered, waving his hand.

Hinami looked up from her book again, and Ayato and Touka also fixed their eyes on Hide, waiting expectantly for his questions. Hide suddenly felt self-conscious, and wondered if he should really ask what he was considering asking. But, the question had been eating him away. And maybe these four, with their knowledge of the shatterdome and Kaneki, would be able to answer it.

Hide braced himself, committing himself to his decision, and finally asked, "What exactly happened during the fight with Yamori?"

The mood at the table instantly chilled. Touka stiffened. Nishiki tightened his grip on his mug. Hinami fixed her gaze on her hands. Only Ayato made eye contact as Hide looked around the table, but the boy’s expression made his disdain clear. Hide knew he’d stepped into hot water and desperately tried to think of something to say to backpedal, but the sudden screech of a chair sliding against the floor interrupted his thoughts. Touka was looking at him now, standing and glaring down at him.  

“Why don’t you ask him yourself instead of gossiping with his friends behind his back?” she spat.

Before Hide could respond, she huffed and snatched up her tray, carrying it off to the plate return carts. Ayato grimaced at Hide as he stood and followed his sister.

An awkward silence settled on the table. Nishiki drained the last of his coffee in one gulp as he watched the Kirishima siblings go. He stood and gave one last look at Hide, who returned it with an uneasy smile.

“I guess I screwed up, didn’t I?” he chuckled humorlessly, trying to diffuse the situation.

Nishiki snorted, and walked away without another word.

Hide looked to Hinami, hoping at least one person would be willing to talk to him, but she was sitting stiffly and staring hard at her book. She must have felt him watching her, because she looked up and frowned at him.

"Look," he began, feeling guilty. "You don't have to say anything. I shouldn't have asked that."

Hinami chewed on her lower lip, glancing between the book and Hide. Finally, she focused her eyes on him again. "I just think you should talk to brother. It's not really our place to -- sorry, I have to go." She bowed her head apologetically and hurried away after Nishiki.

Hide ate the rest of his breakfast alone.

 

* * *

 

Hide returned to his quarters feeling defeated. He sighed as he turned the latch on the door, and tried to comfort himself by thinking that at least the day couldn't get any worse.

But when the door opened, Hide noticed something strange -- the door to Kaneki's room was slightly ajar. Hide furrowed his brows as the front door swung closed behind him, trying to remember if it had been open when he left earlier that morning.

Hide took a step towards the open door, just as a head of white hair peeked over the back of the couch.

Their eyes locked and Hide froze. Neither spoke. Hide watched Kaneki's eyes travel over him, quickly assessing the intruder as he pulled himself up into a sitting position. He finally looked away to pick up a bookmark and place it carefully between the pages of his book. Hide watched him tenderly set the book on the small table beside the couch, and felt his heart begin to race.

Kaneki stood and turned back to face Hide. "You must be Nagachika."

"Just call me Hide!" he replied, unable to help the smile on his face.

 

"Hide, then." Kaneki smiled back softly, politely. "I'm Kaneki."

"I know!" Hide said quickly, then immediately realized how strange that sounded. "I mean, I figured that, because this is your room -- our room -- I mean -"

Kaneki's smile had finally reached his eyes, and Hide gave up trying to explain. At least Kaneki didn't seem to mind. He'd even looked away to spare Hide some embarrassment. But when Kaneki glanced back up, his eyes met Hide's, and Hide thought his heart might flutter out of his chest. He swallowed hard, suddenly nervous. But Kaneki was still smiling at him, and Hide was determined to salvage something from this meeting.

"Uh, let me try again," Hide said awkwardly, walking further into the room to reach out his hand to Kaneki. "It's nice to finally meet you, Kaneki, and I hope we can be friends."

Kaneki took his hand easily, his eyes warm and soft. "I'd like that, Hide."

Maybe the day was salvageable after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter!
> 
> This is mainly an introductory chapter. Don't worry, there will be plenty of drama and epic kaiju battles coming up soon. I have the rest of this story planned and outlined, and I'm hoping to be able to update this at least once a week. But, I've never tried to write a story this long before, so we'll see how that works out.
> 
> Thanks again for reading! Let me know what you think! Any and all comments are welcome. :)


	2. Phase: Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki and Hide's relationship has a rocky start.

When Hide finally withdrew his hand, he felt a sense of loss. Like the feeling of removing a ring you've been wearing for too long, or the light sensation of strangeness just after a haircut. Like when something is so familiar, you stop noticing it, until it abruptly changes.

He watched Kaneki shift uneasily on his feet, and wondered if he'd felt it too.

"So, is it weird to know someone else is gonna be living with you again?" Hide asked, eager to keep Kaneki talking.

But Kaneki frowned in confusion. "Again?" he muttered.

"I mean, Kamishiro lived here before me, right?" Hide continued.

But at the mention of Rize's name, Kaneki instantly stiffened. Hide watched him force himself to relax before he answered, "No. Rize never lived here. She preferred her own room."

Hide didn't know what to say to that. The silence that settled between them stretched on into uncomfortable territory, and Hide noted how Kaneki began to close himself off in response. He fixed his eyes to the side, rubbed his hand idly along his upper arm, slouched his shoulders to shrink smaller. That wouldn't do.

“Hey, we have a training session together soon, huh?” Hide asked happily.

Kaneki nodded. “Yeah, to see if the tests were right about us.” He smiled humorlessly, looking less than thrilled at the prospect.

“It’s in the combat room, right? Should be fun! It’s been a while since I’ve sparred anyone though. You’ll go easy on me, won’t you?”

Kaneki tried to smile, but Hide noted how forced the expression seemed. As he struggled to come up with something else to talk about, a shrill noise blared through the room.

Hide nearly jumped out of his skin, but Kaneki turned lazily back toward the couch to silence the ringing alarm. “That’s us,” he explained simply.

“Right,” Hide laughed, trying to shake off his nerves. “Are you ready to go?”

Kaneki nodded, grabbing his jacket from the back of the couch and pulling it on. Hide shrugged when Kaneki sent him a questioning look. He supposed he was already dressed for combat training, in the typical ranger uniform. Without another word, the two left their room together.

The walk to the combat room passed in silence, but it was pleasant. At least, to Hide. Kaneki’s presence was comforting for reasons he couldn’t quite place, but he wasn’t going to complain about that. Kaneki still seemed nervous when they arrived at the combat room, and Hide sent him a reassuring grin before pushing open the door.

Amon and Akira stood together at the head of the room, ready to oversee and evaluate the match. But they weren’t the only ones. It looked like half the shatterdome had turned out for their first training match. Hide scanned the crowd, and spotted Touka and Ayato standing near the front, beside Hinami and Nishiki. He also saw Irimi, Koma, and Banjou, scattered among plenty of faces he didn’t recognize. Another spectator stood out to him, a tall, well-dressed man with sleek purple hair, who was glaring daggers at Hide.

Hide glanced around him, wondering if the man was looking at something or someone else, but there was nothing around. He was definitely staring at Hide, and he didn’t look happy. Hide swallowed the lump in his throat, wondering what he’d done offend the man when they’d never even met.

He turned back to Kaneki to see if he’d noticed, but the other ranger had already taken off his shoes and jacket and was stretching to prepare for the match, seemingly oblivious to the crowd on the other side of the room. Hide followed Kaneki’s lead, and plopped down on the floor to remove his shoes.

Hide heard more people enter, clicking footsteps crossing the room, but stayed focused on stretching. Until he heard Kaneki’s voice.

"Arima," Kaneki whispered breathlessly, immediately drawing Hide’s attention.

Hide glanced up, and when he followed Kaneki's eyes, at the end of his gaze was in fact Marshal Arima, staring back at Kaneki with just as much intensity. What was the Marshal doing at a standard Ranger training session? Did he have a personal connection to Kaneki?

Arima nodded, a movement so slight, Hide would have missed it if he hadn't been watching the Marshal so intently. He glanced back at the man beside him, and saw Kaneki's eyes slip closed. Hide watched him take a deep breath, clench his fists, and let his breath out slowly. When he opened his eyes again, Kaneki nodded once at Arima, and turned his attention wholly on the ring in front of them.

The moment he stepped into the ring, Kaneki was a different person. The change was so fast, Hide nearly missed it. One second, Kaneki was the quiet reserved man he’d met that morning. But the instant his bare foot hit the mat, his posture changed. The air around him shifted. His eyes sharpened, taking on a dangerous glint. He exuded confidence and power.

Each step he took was easy and precise. His body was relaxed, his movements practiced and familiar, but Hide could see the violence lurking just below the surface, waiting to burst free.

Hide knew this was a training session -- an introductory sparring match to test whether they were really compatible. He knew Kaneki wouldn’t hurt him during the fight. But still, a seed of fear had planted itself in his gut, and he was finding it harder to smother the longer he watched Kaneki in the ring. He didn’t know how he was supposed to fight someone like that.

Unfortunately for Hide, that was exactly what he was expected to do. Amon cleared his throat and asked if both fighters were ready, and Hide had just a moment more to brace himself before entering the ring. Someone sounded the bell, and the first match began.

Kaneki scored the first point with embarrassing ease. The moment the match started, he rushed forward, feinting to the left to distract while swiping Hide’s legs out from under him in one motion. Hide’s back hit the floor and Kaneki’s fist stopped a hair’s breadth from his face an instant later. Amon called out Kaneki’s victory, and the fist retracted.

Hide let out a shaking breath and picked himself up from the floor. He heard murmurs from the crowd behind him and his ears burned. He tried not to think about the people watching, and instead focused on Kaneki’s stance, his movements while getting into position, where his eyes flitted across Hide’s body and the surrounding areas. Hide raised his hands and braced himself for the next match.

When the bell rang for the second time, Hide lasted slightly longer. He saw Kaneki’s attacks coming before they landed, at least. This time when Kaneki attempted another feint, Hide saw the real blow and raised his knee to block. But he missed the second strike that came a few moments later, sending him tumbling backwards, off-balance.

Kaneki moved in for the finishing blow, but Hide leapt backwards, dancing on the tips of his toes to avoid Kaneki’s strikes instead of trying to block. But Kaneki advanced relentlessly, and eventually Hide miscalculated. Again, the match ended with Kaneki’s fist blocking out Hide’s vision.

Amon called the point for Kaneki, and this time Hide heard laughter from the crowd. He scoffed, mentally daring any of them to last longer in the ring against Kaneki. But he shouldn’t be focusing on them, he told himself. He should be analyzing Kaneki’s movements, trying to figure out how to win.

He hunched over, letting himself catch his breath as he went over the last match in his mind. Kaneki was quick, and he adapted to Hide’s strategies and movements almost instantly. But there was still a lag before he reacted to anything surprising that Hide did. He also favored guarding his right trunk, to the point where his left side was often wide open. Hide could use that information. He just had to watch carefully when the next match started.

He looked up, saw Amon staring at him, and nodded to signal he was ready. Another moment later, and the bell sounded again. The way Kaneki moved forward was now familiar, and Hide barely had to think about dodging or blocking. He focused on watching Kaneki’s left side, waiting for his chance --

There it was, the opening he’d been searching for. He took it, rushing forward and ducking under the swing of Kaneki’s arm. He slipped an arm around Kaneki’s leg before he could turn his body to react, and in another moment, Hide had him pinned to the floor, left leg extended uncomfortably and trapped between them. Hide hovered over him as Kaneki lay there unmoving, jaw slack in shock, until he felt Kaneki’s heavy breaths on his face and realized how close they were. He flushed, moving back to free Kaneki’s leg and extending a hand to help him up.

Kaneki took it, and Hide pulled him to his feet. “Nice job, Nagachika,” Kaneki remarked as he brushed himself off and circled around to their starting positions. Hide’s heart raced, and he wasn’t entirely sure it was from the exercise.

The fourth round started, and as Hide predicted, Kaneki had shifted to over-compensate for the opening on his left side. He was better guarded than before, but Hide could read his movements better now. His nerves from earlier had faded, and Hide found he was actually enjoying himself.

It felt like they were performing a choreographed dance, like they'd practiced their movements together for hours in order to move this way. Each attack was met with an easy block or a lazy dodge, both somehow knowing exactly where and when the other would strike. They floated around the ring, moving in sync, neither able to land a point.

And then Hide spotted another opening. He rushed forward past Kaneki’s defenses, redirecting a late attempt to block with his left arm while slicing his right hand through the air, stopping just shy of Kaneki's neck. They both froze, eyes locked together, hearts pounding. Hide could feel the heat radiating off Kaneki's body, the heavy breaths leaving his lips, and imagined he could sense the pulse flowing just beneath Kaneki's skin. He knew they were as compatible as the tests said. He wondered if Kaneki could feel it too.

Amon called out Hide's point, and the two pulled away again. Hide returned to his side of the ring, going back over the last match in his mind to prepare. But when he looked up, he froze.

It took one glance for Hide to notice something was wrong. Kaneki’s posture was stiff, forced, nothing like the smooth grace he’d held when their training began. He was staring at the ground, as if he was watching something there, and a hand was hovering beside his left ear. His fingers clenched into a fist, like he was trying to stop himself from moving them. Hide opened his mouth to call out to him, but Amon beat him to it.

“Ranger Kaneki.” The voice cut through Kaneki’s focus, and his head jerked toward Amon. “Are you ready to begin the next round?”

Kaneki stared and wavered on his feet. He looked like he was having trouble understanding what Amon had said, but finally nodded.He turned back towards Hide, shook his arms to loosen his muscles, and took his fighting stance again.

Hide wanted to ask if he was okay, but the bell sounded again, and Hide lost his chance. Another moment later and Hide had already forgotten the question on his lips, too focused on their match to think of anything else.

Kaneki’s movements were far more erratic, almost reckless. He moved unpredictably, and Hide was having trouble keeping up. Compared to their previous matches, this one felt like fighting a completely different person.

Then Kaneki rushed forward -- into his attack -- and Hide tried to pull the strength from his punch before he hit Kaneki harder than he’d intended. Another moment later and Hide was crying out in surprise as he hit the floor. He wasn’t sure what happened, but he was lying facedown on the mat with his right arm twisted uncomfortably behind him, held tight in Kaneki’s grip.

He waited for Kaneki to let him go. Kaneki had obviously scored the point this match, so why was he still --

Kaneki twisted again, and this time Hide cried out in pain. He looked into his opponent’s face, too shocked to speak, and what he saw chilled him to the core. Kaneki’s eyes were wild, unfocused. Whatever Kaneki was seeing, it wasn’t Hide.

“Ken,” a steady voice asserted. Kaneki’s grip loosened instantly, and a moment later, he was on the other side of the ring.

Hide sat up and rubbed his sore shoulder. The room was completely silent. Amon and Akira were both watching Arima, whose gaze was fixed on Kaneki. Kaneki stared back, fingers fisted in his hair on either side of his head.

Kaneki closed his eyes and breathed, the way Hide had watched him do earlier, but the tension was still twisted in his shoulders, and Kaneki still looked ready to bolt.

Hide pulled himself from the ground and tried calling out to him, but the moment he heard Hide's voice, Kaneki fled. He didn’t bother to acknowledge her when Touka called his name, didn’t even pause to collect his shoes or clothes.

Hide was still frozen in place, watching the door Kaneki vanished through. He heard the murmurs of the crowd, the sounds of footsteps retreating, and saw Touka rush out through the same door Kaneki had taken. He wondered if she could help him.

“Ranger Nagachika,” Amon greeted, and Hide flinched. He hadn't heard Amon approach. “You’ve been relieved of any responsibilities for the rest of the day.”

Hide frowned. “But what about -”

“We are not discussing anything here and now,” Amon said gruffly, with a look that told Hide not to argue.

Hide huffed, but nodded. He collected Kaneki’s shoes and clothes, and started the long walk back to his quarters. He was acutely aware of Kaneki’s absence and the contrast from the walk to the combat room, just an hour earlier.

Although he knew it was in vain, he hoped Kaneki would be in his room when he returned. But the door to his private bedroom as open, just the way they’d left it, and Kaneki was nowhere in sight.

Hide sighed, and left Kaneki’s shoes and his folded jacket beside the open door. He plopped down on the couch and stared at the book Kaneki had been reading that morning, still in the same spot he’d left it.

Hide wondered if what happened during their training session had anything to do with Rize, or Yamori, or both. He frowned when he realized this would put another big damper on their relationship, which had only just begun to grow.

He knew he couldn’t let this problem fester. They’d only just met, but Hide could sense that Kaneki was the type of person to keep something like this bottled up. And despite his inexperience in the drift, he knew enough to be sure that was a bad habit for a pilot. And, if Hide was really honest, he had more personal reasons for wanting Kaneki to open up to him.

But, before they could talk, Hide had to find him first. The only problem with that was that Hide had no idea where to start.

 

* * *

Hours later, his stomach was growling, it was dinner time, and he still hadn’t found Kaneki -- or anyone who might know where Kaneki had gone. He’d even returned to their room multiple times, but everything was always at he’d left it, with no signs of Kaneki.

He’d nearly given up when he finally trudged down to the mess hall, but luck was finally on his side, and he spotted one of the people he’d been searching for: Touka sat down alone, just as Hide finished his meal.

“Touka!” Hide called as he rushed over. The look she gave him let him know that she was anything but happy to see him, but she didn’t protest when he sat down across from her. “Do you know where Kaneki is?”

Touka pursed her lips and diverted her eyes. “Why do you want to know?”

“I haven’t seen him since the sparring session, but I’ve been looking everywhere,” he said desperately. Touka’s eyes widened, but she kept her gaze fixed away from Hide. “You saw how upset he was. But he hasn't come back to our room, and I know he’s probably avoiding me on purpose. Please, if you know where he is, I just want to talk to him.”

Touka shifted uncomfortably, as if debating what to say. “He said he wanted to be alone,” she answered finally.

"Do you really think it's best for him to be alone now?" Touka frowned at him, like she wanted to argue, but Hide continued. "I just want to make sure he knows I'm not mad. I don’t want him to spend the rest of the day beating himself up over this."

There was a long pause while Touka considered his words.

“Sometimes,” she began, chewing her lip. “Sometimes he goes to the roof to be alone.”

Hide sighed in relief. “Thank you, Touka! You’re a godsend!”

Touka flushed and tried to look put out, but Hide had already left her far behind in his rush toward the elevators.

Hide was antsy during the long trip to the top floor, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket to avoid bouncing in place. He didn’t even know what he was going to say if he found Kaneki, just that he had to find him. He couldn’t let Kaneki be alone like this, torturing himself over nothing. Hide had to convince him it was okay.

The elevator pinged as it came to a stop, and Hide held his breath when the doors slid open. Touka had been right. When he emerged onto the rooftop, the first thing he saw was that familiar head of white hair. He was sitting by the fence at the edge of the roof, staring out over the water where the jaegers were deployed during a drop. Hide exited the elevator quickly, and if Kaneki heard him approaching, he didn’t acknowledge it.

“Here you are, Kaneki!” Hide said happily when Kaneki was near enough. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Have you been up here all day?”

“Sorry,” he replied softly, but didn’t sound like he meant it. His fingers wrapped themselves around the edge of his shirt, twisting the material in his grip.

Hide sat down beside him and propped an arm up on his knee. “You missed meal time. Have you eaten? You shouldn’t skip meals, you know. It’s not good for you.”

Kaneki nodded absently, but didn’t seem to be listening.

“You shouldn’t beat yourself up about earlier either,” Hide said softly.

Now Kaneki frowned, tightening his grip on the clothing fisted in his hands. “I… lost control. I hurt you. I --”

“Hey man, don’t worry about it,” Hide interrupted. He could tell Kaneki had been dwelling on it all day, and that absolutely would not do. “I’m totally fine, no harm done!”

He rotated his shoulder to demonstrate, but Kaneki wasn’t paying attention.

“Besides, the training session was a success, right?” Hide ventured, trying a different angle.

Kaneki furrowed his brow angrily and opened his mouth to retort, but Hide cut him off.

“We’re drift compatible!” Hide exclaimed happily. “Don’t tell me you didn’t feel it? Besides, it’s not like we’ll be fighting each other on drops, right?” Hide laughed, but Kaneki frowned.

“That’s not… Drifting requires trust. How are you supposed to trust me if --”

“I trust you,” he interrupted. Kaneki gaped at him. He looked like he was sputtering to say something, to convince Hide that he shouldn’t, so Hide leaned forward, kept his eyes fixed on Kaneki’s, and repeated, “I trust you.”

“But, we just met. And I just… You barely know me,” Kaneki protested, shifting his gaze back to the floor.

Hide started to tell him that he felt like he understood Kaneki better than anyone he’d ever met, like he’d known Kaneki for so long already, like they were meant to meet each other. But he knew Kaneki wouldn’t react well to a confession like that, not right now. So instead, he settled for, “I want to know you.”

Kaneki tightened his fists in his lap and stared out over the water. Hide knew he was still fighting himself over what happened earlier, and he wanted to let Kaneki know that it really was okay, and Hide genuinely wanted to be around him.

“You know, I haven’t been back in the city in a few years. And Amon gave us both the rest of the day off. Wanna go get lost in Tokyo with me?”

Kaneki frowned again, but didn’t answer.

“Come on! It’s good to get out of the shatterdome once in a while.”

Kaneki still looked torn, but he’d shifted unconsciously towards Hide. It was progress.

“You aren’t gonna let me go all by myself, are you?” Hide put on his best pouting face, and when Kaneki finally turned to look at him, he knew he’d won.

“Yes!” Hide shouted in victory before Kaneki even answered. “Okay, let’s go! But first, we need to stop by our room. We can’t go traipsing around Tokyo in our uniforms, and you’re not even wearing shoes!”

Kaneki looked down at his feet and blushed, as if realizing for the first time that he hadn’t bothered to put his boots back on after their training session.

Hide laughed as he stood up, and held his hand out to Kaneki. The other man stared at it for a moment, then reached out to grasp it tightly, and let Hide pull him to his feet. Kaneki finally met Hide’s eyes, and Hide was pleased to see that he couldn’t hide the small smile on his lips.

 

* * *

Hide could barely contain himself while they went through the tedious process of signing out at the shatterdome exit. He dared another glance at Kaneki as they waited for their PPDC cab to pick them up. Their wait and even their drive into the city were silent, but Hide could tell Kaneki was happy to come. He already seemed more animated, less weighed down by the stress of his responsibilities in the shatterdome. Hide felt the same. It’d been far too long since he was outside of a PPDC complex, and the city was a pleasant change.

The streets were lined with shops, some of them the kinds of things that existed before the war, others full of kaiju merchandise and PPDC propaganda. But even with the kaiju shops, it was easy to pretend there was nothing wrong with the world here. People were going about their daily business, shopping with loved ones, working normal jobs. Hide almost envied it.

He turned to comment on it to Kaneki, but his companion had paused outside of a small bookstore, and was staring at a sign by the door. It was an advertisement for a new book by the renowned author Takatsuki Sen.

When he realized Hide was waiting for him, Kaneki took a step away, but Hide picked up on his hesitation. “Do you wanna go inside?”

Kaneki flushed. “I… I really like her other works. I didn’t know she’d released a new one.”

“Then let’s go inside and grab a copy,” Hide replied, beaming easily.

Kaneki allowed himself a small smile and nodded as he followed Hide inside. Hide watched patiently as Kaneki headed straight for the small display of Takatsuki’s works in the back of the store. He tenderly picked up the newest book, traced his fingers along the spine as he read the title, and carefully opened the book to the first page.

After a few pages, Kaneki seemed to remember that Hide was waiting for him, and glanced up with an apologetic smile. Hide grinned and waved his hands, assuring Kaneki it was no problem. When the book was finally purchased and safely tucked away into a bag, the pair returned to their stroll.

“So what do you like about this Takatsuki?” Hide asked, and noted how Kaneki’s face lit up.

“She writes about really dark themes, and her descriptions are grotesquely vivid. I love the way she combines such delicate precise writing with brutal plots and characters. Actually, her first work, _Dear Kafka_ , is one of my favorites, because --”

Hide smiled to himself as he listened to Kaneki talk, happy to hear him discussing something he was so passionate about. He watched the animated expressions on Kaneki’s face as they walked, and marveled at the change from just a few hours before.

“Hide?” Kaneki’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. “Shouldn’t we head back soon?”

“Hm, in a little bit,” Hide replied with a wave of his hand. He wasn’t ready to go back to the shatterdome just yet.

As if on cue, he noticed something in the distance.

“Hey, look at that!” Hide exclaimed, nodding his head toward an empty park. “Wanna check it out?”

Kaneki hesitated, but when Hide turned to enter the park, he quickly followed. They soon found themselves sitting atop a large plastic dome in the center of the park, staring up at the sky. The setting was comfortable, and somehow familiar. But then, Hide felt like most of his interactions with Kaneki were familiar. He wondered if Kaneki felt that way, and if all drift compatible teams experienced something similar.

Somehow, they started talking about the other pilots in the shatterdome, and Hide found himself regaling Kaneki with the story of how he met Touka and Ayato, and then managed to piss them off within a few minutes. Hide left out the reason for that -- he knew the topic wasn’t one he should bring up today of all days -- but Kaneki still found the story humorous. Especially when Hide acted out the bickering between Nishiki and the Kirishimas.

“Do you have any family, Kaneki?” Hide asked lightly when their laughter died down, and regretted it when he saw the way Kaneki stiffened beside him. So that was a sore subject. He’d make sure to never pry into that again. But still, Kaneki looked like he was going to answer. He stared at his hands, contemplating his words.

“My mother died before K-day,” Kaneki finally explained. “My other family…” He trailed off, and Hide could tell he didn’t want to explain further.

“I get it. I’m sorry.”

Kaneki nodded, but didn’t speak. Hide rushed to fill the silence, trying to distract Kaneki from dwelling on any bad memories.

“I didn’t really have anyone before I joined up either. Nothing to tie me down, so I might as well try to save the world, right?” Hide laughed at himself. “That sounds kind of ridiculous. Sorry. But, I guess, the PPDC was the only choice for me. Doing anything else didn’t make sense. What’s the point when the world is ending?” he said humorlessly.

Kaneki nodded silently. That wouldn’t do.

“What about you? Why did you end up joining?” Hide prodded.

There was a short pause before Kaneki replied, when Hide almost thought he wasn’t going to answer at all. But finally, he said simply, “I guess, I joined to escape.”

Kaneki didn’t explain, but he didn’t have to. Hide knew exactly what he meant. That was the reason he’d joined too, after all.

“What about being a pilot?  What made you want to pilot a giant robot to fight alien monsters from the bottom of the ocean?” Hide asked lightly.

Kaneki smiled at that despite himself. “That was more of an accident. I didn’t go to the academy to be a pilot, but I apparently fit some kind of profile. I was honestly surprised when they told me I’d made the cut.”

Hide laughed. “Same thing happened to me. Only it happened after I’d already gone through the academy. I was doing just fine in Conn-Pod Control, but one day the higher-ups requested that we try out a drift simulator, and the next day they were packing me up to come out here.”

Kaneki scratched his cheek nervously. “Sorry, I guess that was my fault,” he replied, referring to the PPDC’s search for a new co-pilot.

“Don’t apologize!” Hide said quickly, grinning at Kaneki. “I know we don’t really know each other yet, but, I’m glad we met.”

Kaneki nodded, and Hide noticed how his smile reached his eyes.

Hide’s grin widened. He turned back to stare at the light-polluted sky, and part of him wished this moment would last forever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I was not expecting so many people to enjoy this story! The first chapter has been up for a week and already so many people have read it and left kudos or comments! Thank you all so much! I'm so glad that people have liked this story so far, and I hope you will continue to enjoy it!
> 
> As always, any and all comments are welcome. :)
> 
> EDIT: Notes on some details that might not be readily understandable without having seen Pacific Rim:
> 
> The Breach: A passage at the bottom of the Pacific where kaiju enter this world.
> 
> The Drift: A method to share the "neural load" of piloting a jaeger. It takes too much out of one person, so pilots merge their minds in the drift in order to share the weight of piloting.
> 
> Shatterdomes: Hangers where jaegers, pilots, and personel reside. Jaegers are deployed from Shatterdomes on "drops" to fight kaiju.
> 
> Rankings: All pilots are rangers, although some have superiority over others (in this fic, Amon is a senior ranger). Marshals are in charge of entire shatterdomes and all operations.
> 
> K-day: the day the first kaiju attacked.
> 
> The process of becoming a pilot: All pilots (and other PPDC members) go through academy training, where they're tested and then assigned to different jobs.
> 
> Conn-Pod Control: Hide mentioned he worked here before being reassigned as a pilot. The Conn-Pod is the cockpit of a jaeger, where pilots control the jaeger's movements. When working in control, Hide would train students in the academy to use the controls, and would also know how to adjust and fix controls in case of any problems.


	3. Phase: Drift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first drift is the hardest.

When they finally returned to the shatterdome that evening, Hide was glad to see that Kaneki still seemed more relaxed. He’d tensed again when they first entered the shatterdome gates, but once they arrived in their quarters, he relaxed again. When they finally parted for their individual rooms, Hide collapsed into his bed feeling good about his day, despite the rocky start.

Hide and Kaneki had training together every morning for the following week, and quickly settled into something of a routine together. They awoke at the same time, and took turns preparing coffee. (Although, Hide would readily admit that Kaneki’s always tasted much better.)

Their performance during their daily sparring sessions had improved as well. Amon had never spoken to Hide about what happened, but he assumed the higher ranked officers discussed it amongst themselves. Especially since Marshal Arima still attended every session.

But there hadn’t been another incident like the first day. Instead, each match showed Kaneki and Hide moving more in sync, reading each other’s movements even more accurately. And it wasn’t uncommon for the two to spend a match smiling and joking, even as they tried to hit each other.

They’d also spent more time together outside of training, frequently taking meals or recreational breaks together. Hide felt like he’d known Kaneki far longer than the week he’d spent at the Tokyo Shatterdome. And from the way Kaneki seemed to relax when they were alone together, the way he somehow knew what Hide wanted before he asked, and even the way he had begun to predict Hide’s jokes and poor sense of humor, Hide had a feeling Kaneki thought the same.

Still, despite the progress they’d made, there was a tension between them anytime someone mentioned the drift.

Their first scheduled drift was rapidly approaching, but Hide still hadn’t broached the topics of Yamori or Rize with Kaneki. Every time they were even vaguely referenced, Kaneki fell back into that tense, withdrawn persona, despite Hide’s best efforts.

And when Hide thought about it, he realized he didn’t really mind not knowing if it was such a source of stress for Kaneki to speak about. He hadn’t lied when he told Kaneki he trusted him, and this was a way to show it. If Kaneki didn’t want to tell him what happened before they drifted, then Hide was going to trust his reasons, and he wasn’t going to pry. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t worried.

On the morning of their scheduled drift, Hide awoke earlier than usual. He couldn’t fall back asleep thanks to the nerves fluttering in his stomach, and when he emerged into the common area, he found Kaneki was in the same boat.

Kaneki had already prepared his morning coffee, and handed Hide a cup without being asked. Hide took it gratefully, and they drank their coffee together in silence. They didn’t need to drift to know what the other was feeling.

The rest of the morning passed like a blur to Hide. Drift protocol briefing and equipment testing took up a large portion of the day, but finally, they stood together in the jaeger wing.

As they suited up, Hide watched Kaneki out of the corner of his eye. His co-pilot was twitchy, tense, and looked like he had right after their first training session gone awry. Hide reached out to rest his hand on Kaneki’s shoulder, and when he looked over, Hide shot him a huge grin.

“It’ll be fine,” Hide assured him, although he had his own doubts. He knew Kaneki needed the support after what happened the last time he was in the drift, and he was going to do everything he could to help.

Kaneki winced, but didn’t argue. He raised his hand to rest on Hide’s. Hide gave his shoulder a small squeeze, and Kaneki smiled for half a moment, before a crew member was handing him his helmet. His expression fell again, but he took it and strapped it into place.

Hide followed Kaneki’s lead and snapped his own helmet on. He nearly panicked when the helmet filled with relay gel, but felt a gentle weight on his shoulder. Hide reached up to clasp his hand over Kaneki’s, and when the gel cleared away, he saw Kaneki was smiling at him.

“It’s always weird the first few times,” he explained. “But you’ll get used to it.”

Hide nodded gratefully. When the crew gave them the signal, Hide followed Kankei down the walkway into the cockpit. It felt like a dream, strapping himself into the controls of a jaeger. The reality of the situation was finally settling in.

He heard the techs in LOCCENT through the speakers in his helmet, running him through the steps they were going to take before opening the drift, but all Hide could focus on was Kaneki on the other side of the cockpit. His eyes were closed and Hide could hear his deep breaths through their intercom. He wondered what Kaneki was thinking, then realized that in a few moments, he would find out for himself.

“Kaneki. Nagachika.” Hide recognized Arima’s voice through the intercom. “Are you ready?”

“Yes,” they answered in sync, and Hide wasn’t sure whose voice had cracked.

A moment later, an artificial voice echoed through their helmets. _“Neural handshake initiated.”_

The experience of the drift was like nothing Hide had ever felt before. There were flashes of thoughts, memories, feelings -- both his own and Kaneki’s. But in another instant, they were already fading, replaced by a familiar and comforting presence and a silence surrounding it.

Whoa, he thought to himself, and nearly jumped when he heard -- felt? -- Kaneki’s amusement as an answer.

The techs in LOCCENT read off more instructions, preparing them to fully activate the jaeger, but Hide couldn’t bring himself to pay attention. There was an itch in his left ear -- or was it Kaneki’s ear? The itch was growing stronger, and he was having trouble focusing on anything else.

And then suddently, Hide jolted in the controls, a new wave of memories and thoughts hitting him like a brick wall. He struggled to get his bearings in the drift, and tried to focus on Kaneki -- his constant tether.

“Kaneki?” he called out, eyes squeezed shut to block out the massive amount of visual information flooding his senses. “Kaneki? Kaneki, can you hear --”

There was a scream, and suddenly Hide wasn’t in the shatterdome anymore. They were still in _Tokyo Ghoul_ , but they were a mile offshore, in the Pacific, and there was a kaiju bearing down on them.

More screaming, and Hide felt a sharp pain on his left side. Or, was that Kaneki feeling the pain? Hide couldn’t tell their thoughts apart anymore -- if they could even be separated in the drift.

“Kaneki!” he called out again, but there was still no answer, and still, the memory played on. The kaiju screeched -- a deafening sound that chilled Hide to the bone -- and careened forward. It latched onto the jaeger’s left side again -- Hide’s side -- ripping metal apart.

The jaeger lurched forward in the shatterdome, nearly breaking free of the restraints holding it in place, and Hide stumbled in the cockpit. He tried to focus on what he remembered from Conn-Pod training, what to do when a pilot chases the rabbit, but Kaneki’s memories were overwhelming, and there was screaming -- there was so much screaming -- and Hide couldn’t tell if it was him or Kankei or the memory.

He tried to look over at Kaneki, and saw a strange merger of the real Kaneki and the one from the memory. Both were hunched over, gripping their left ear, tears streaming down their face. There was blood, but Hide couldn’t tell if that was real or not.

“Kaneki!” he called out. “Kaneki! Listen to me! Focus on my voice!”

Kaneki screamed again, and Hide was certain the blood dripping from the corner of his mouth was real.

“Kaneki, you’re stuck in a memory! This isn’t happening! It’s Hide! I’m here with you! Listen to my voice!”

Finally, Kaneki turned to look at him. His eyes had the same wild look as that time during their training session, and Hide wondered if Kaneki was really seeing him, or someone else.

“Kaneki,” he tried again, softer this time, and Kaneki’s eyes seemed to focus. “Kaneki, can you hear me?”

Kaneki blinked, and lowered his hands from the side of his helmet. “H-Hide?” he whispered, voice wavering.

“Yeah,” Hide answered, smiling reassuringly. “Yeah, I’m here. I’m here, it’s okay.”

Kaneki’s eyes darted around the cockpit, but kept returning to Hide, and Hide kept talking to him. He wasn’t even sure what he was saying anymore, but Kaneki seemed to be responding to his voice, and he wasn’t about to let Kaneki get lost in the drift again.

The artificial voice finally returned, announcing the closing drift connection, and the moment the equipment shut down, Hide was pulling off his helmet and rushing to Kaneki’s side. Kaneki pulled off his helmet, and Hide saw that the blood hadn’t been his imagination.

Kaneki noticed Hide staring and rubbed his wrist along the corner of his mouth, and seemed perplexed when he saw the smear of red on his suit. He laughed humorlessly when he touched a finger to his tongue and it came away bloody.

“Kaneki, are you okay?” Hide asked, even though he knew how ridiculous that sounded.

Kaneki looked up at him, panting and out of breath, skin pale and clammy, blood still smeared at the corner of his mouth. But before he could answer, the door in the back of the cockpit slid open, and a medical response team rushed inside.

Kaneki tried to assure them he was fine, but when Arima came over the intercom and insisted that he at least allow them to check him, Kaneki finally complied. He spared another final look at Hide, one full of guilt and shame, and then he was out of Hide’s sight.

Hide wanted to follow immediately, but LOCCENT wanted a report on what happened in the drift, and Amon insisted on a brief medical evaluation to see if he needed to be treated for any injuries, and by the time Hide was able to leave, hours had passed.

When Hide finally made it to the medical wing, he was told Kaneki had already left.

He should have expected that, really, he thought to himself as he made his way back to their shared room. When Kaneki wasn’t there either, Hide wasn’t surprised.

His legs felt heavy as he made his way to the elevators, and grew heavier still when he reached the rooftop and found that empty as well. He stood alone, looking out over the water, towards the spot where those memories from the drift had occurred.

He exhaled heavily, and let his feet carry him back into the shatterdome. A few minutes later, he was standing in front of _Tokyo Ghoul_ again.

She seemed almost unreal, especially after what he’d experienced that morning. An enormous monster with giant metal teeth, made for fighting monsters that came from under the sea, that could only be piloted by humans who merged their minds together. It sounded ridiculous.

He sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair. What was he even doing here? What had he been expecting? That he could magically help Kaneki and they would somehow save the world together? He didn’t know what to think anymore.

“Thought I’d find you here,” a soft voice spoke behind him.

Hide glanced over his shoulder and saw Touka approaching him. He smiled at her. “You came to find me? You must really be warming up to me, Touka. I’m touched.”

Touka rolled her eyes, folding her arms across the railing beside Hide and leaning against it. “Don’t get ahead of yourself,” she warned. “I’m here for Kaneki.”

Hide turned back to the jaeger, still smiling. He’d known that, of course.

“I wanted to tell you, he’s been doing better since you got here.” She paused, choosing her next words carefully. “So, don’t go beating yourself up over this. You’ve been helping. He just…”

“He’s human,” Hide supplied, understanding what Touka was trying to tell him. “We can’t expect him to be okay all the time, especially after what he went through.” He scoffed. “Even if that’s exactly what the PPDC wants from their pilots.”

Touka huffed in agreement. They both knew the stakes, knew why the PPDC demanded such performances from its pilots. They were fighting for the fate of the world. But they were still just people, and people could bend and break under the kind of pressures pilots were expected to endure.

“I should head back, I guess. Thanks for coming to talk to me, Touka,” Hide said sincerely, pulling away from the railing. “I appreciate it.”

“He didn’t speak for weeks, you know,” Touka added softly. “After the incident with Yamori, I mean.”

She pushed a stray bit of hair behind her ear, and Hide paused, waiting for her to continue.

“At first, I thought it was from his injuries. We all knew about… About his tongue. No one expected him to be able to talk again right away. But… He healed, and he still didn’t speak.” She smiled bitterly. “He didn’t tell anyone what happened during the drop either. Even after he started talking again, he never spoke about that. It’s been months now, and I still don’t know. I don’t think he’ll ever tell me.”

Oh, Hide suddenly realized. He’d asked so many people when he’d first arrived, but none of them had known any more than he did. Even Kaneki’s closest friends. He hadn’t told them anything.

Hide nodded to let Touka know he understood, and left without another word. He had some things to consider. He made his way back to his quarters, planning to shower and head to bed early, but when he opened the door, he froze in surprise.

Kaneki was seated on the couch beside the purple-haired man Hide noticed from their first training session, and when the door closed behind him, both men turned to look at him. Kaneki’s brows raised in surprise when he spotted Hide, but his features quickly settled into shame and regret. The purple-haired man, however, was glaring daggers at Hide ten times sharper than the ones from their first encounter. Hide saw the man say something to Kaneki, but was too far to hear or to properly read his lips. Kaneki answered, diverting his eyes to the ground, and a moment later he stood. The other man stood a moment later, watching Hide suspiciously.

“Thank you, Tsukiyama,” Kaneki said louder, addressing the man beside him.

Tsukiyama smiled at Kaneki and bowed his head, said something Hide couldn’t hear, and then rounded the couch to approach Hide.

Hide panicked for a moment before he realized Tsukiyama was leaving, then quickly moved aside to let him pass. The look Tsukiyama gave him as he slipped through the door cemented Hide’s suspicions that he’d somehow offended this stranger, but he told himself he’d worry about that later. When the door closed behind Tsukiyama, he and Kaneki were alone for the first time since the drift.

Hide hesitated by the door for another moment. Kaneki glanced at the floor. Neither spoke.

Finally, Hide moved toward him, sending a questioning look when he neared the couch. Kaneki understood, and nodded, and they sat down beside each other. Hide noted that their movements were in sync.

“Sorry for… disappearing. I was with Tsukiyama,” Kaneki began, though that was obvious. “Sparring with him helps me relax. I needed that. And, we share a similar taste in books,” he explained sheepishly, holding up a new book, apparently from Tsukiyama. “I hope you didn’t worry.”

Hide shook his head, and wanted to tell Kaneki he didn’t have to explain, but Kaneki was already speaking again, rushing through his words as if he was worried he wouldn’t be able to say them at all if he hesitated.

“I should have warned you before we drifted,” Kaneki told him, looking away. “I thought I could handle it, but I just endangered you, endangered everyone.”

His hands were fisting at his sides again, clenched so tight his knuckles were white. Hide reached out to place a hand on Kaneki’s shoulder, and the simple touch seemed to calm him some. He relaxed slightly, shoulders drooping and fingers uncurling. But his expression still looked pained.

“Hey, Kaneki, it’s okay. No one was hurt.”

“But someone could have been. Because I wasn’t strong enough to drift --”

“You don’t have to shoulder all this by yourself,” Hide interrupted before Kaneki got ahead of himself. “That’s the whole reason we pilot in teams.”

“Yeah,” came the hesitant reply. Kaneki tried to smile, but Hide noted how difficult it looked. His thoughts drifted back to Rize, and the precious little he knew about their relationship. He had a feeling that shouldering things by himself was something Kaneki had gotten very used to when piloting with Rize. But, that was a conversation for another time. Hide wasn’t going to pry into anything Kaneki didn’t want to share.

Kaneki fidgeted with his hands again, then sighed and leaned forward. “You should know, before we drift again,” Kaneki whispered in a shaking breath. “You should know what happened that night.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I'm blown away but the number of people who've left kudos or commented! I really was not expecting this kind of response to this fic, and it's really so encouraging. Thank you all so much! It's definitely helped kick me into gear to get this chapter out sooner. No promises about how fast the next chapter will be out, but I've made a lot of progress on it already, and I hope it'll be soon! You've waited long enough to find out what happened with Yamori already. ;)
> 
> A few terms from the Pacific Rim universe in case anyone was wondering:
> 
> Relay gel: Think LCL from Evangelion. It's a gel in the helmets that allows the pilots to sync with the jaeger.
> 
> LOCCENT: Local Command Center, it's where all the technicians and officers hang out during jaeger deployments, where they monitor the jaegers and pilots and give orders and stuff.
> 
> Neural handshake: Basically the drift, it's the final stage of binding the pilots to the jaeger.
> 
> Chasing the rabbit: Basically slang for following a memory in the drift.


	4. Phase: Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki finally opens up.

“Ranger Amon,” a curt voice called from the doorway of Amon and Akira’s office. Amon raised his head from his paperwork.

“Tsukiyama,” he greeted, and motioned towards the chairs in front of his desk. “Come in.”

Tsukiyama bowed his head and took a seat across from Amon.

“What can I do for you?” Amon asked amicably, though he had a feeling he knew why Tsukiyama had decided to visit.

“After the events of this morning, I have concerns about the new pilot’s abilities.”

Amon sighed. He’d been expecting this. “I have discussed today’s performance with Marshal Arima and Ranger Akira. We have considered many options and are comfortable with the current plan. I appreciate your concern, but please be assured that we are proceeding with care for both pilots. Now, if that’s all you wished to discuss?”

“I still do not understand why it was necessary to recruit an entirely new pilot when you had another compatible with Kaneki in your very own shatterdome.”

Amon frowned. They’d been over this before. “Compatibility isn’t the only thing we need from our crews. You know that, Tsukiyama.”

Tsukiyama frowned. “My performance in simulations is also top tier.”

“That’s not the issue, and you know it,” Amon replied curtly.

“Then please explain it to me, because I’m afraid I fail to understand the logic at play,” he replied politely, exasperation barely contained. Amon frowned.

“Marshal Arima and I discussed this. You know that. We decided a fresh start would be easier. Less baggage, less memories of…” Amon sighed. “We’ve discussed this before.”

“Yes, but you’re wrong,” Tsukiyama implored. “We have a history. Kaneki comes to me when he feels he is unable to speak to anyone else. I am his best friend. But you expected him to handle drifting with a stranger better? You saw how well that worked for yourself.”

He sighed. Tsukiyama had a point. “If their performance doesn’t improve by next week… I’ll discuss it with Marshal Arima.”

Tsukiyama smiled, a crafted, practiced grin. “That is all I ask.”

Amon nodded, still frowning, and turned his attention to the documents on his desk. “If that’s all?”

“Of course. Thank you, Ranger Amon,” Tsukiyama replied. He stood, bowing politely before taking his leave. The conversation hadn’t turned out as he had hoped, but Amon had given him something. And Tsukiyama could definitely work with that.

* * *

 

Hide exhaled softly as he sat back down next to Kaneki. He handed Kaneki a fresh cup of coffee, and set his own cup down on the small table in front of them. Kaneki held the cup tenderly in both hands, staring into the drink for a long moment before taking a small sip. **  
**

Kaneki took a deep breath, and began speaking. His voice was soft and gentle, almost distant. “When we dropped, it was just like any other. Rize bragged about how we’d be done by midnight, and we could celebrate our newest kill along with my birthday.”

Hide must have looked startled at that, because Kaneki smiled sheepishly and scratched his cheek. “Yeah, Yamori came through the breach the night before.”

"Harsh,” Hide joked. “They sent you two out alone on your birthday?”

“We were the only ones uninjured or not undergoing repairs,” Kaneki clarified, staring back down at his coffee. Hide frowned. It seemed like there was more to that explanation, but he knew better than to dig when Kaneki was already laying so much bare.

“Anyway, it seemed like a normal drop. We intercepted Yamori about a mile off the coast, and engaged. It seemed like we were winning." Kaneki paused to draw in a shaking breath. “And then, there was a… a force. I don’t know how to describe it. I think one of the scientists or doctors said it was probably magnetic, but I don’t know if they ever pinpointed it.

"I just know that I was completely disoriented. My whele body ached. It felt like everything was spinning. There were strange patterns swirling in my vision. And, _Tokyo Ghoul_ stopped responding. Rize and I both tried to retreat, but we were stuck. And then, everything stopped as abruptly as it started. But we didn’t recover quickly enough. The next thing I remember is her screaming.”

Kaneki paused to place his coffee down on the table. He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees, and stared at the cup, eyes unfocused.

"The kaiju was drilling into our head on Rize’s side, and the controls still weren’t responding even though the neural connections were strong. Rize just kept _screaming_ , and the pain in my ear was so intense, and I think I might have been laughing, and --” Kaneki cut himself off to take a deep, ragged breath.

Hide’s hand was rubbing small circles in Kaneki’s back, and it seemed to be helping. Kaneki closed his eyes and leaned into Hide’s touch. Eventually, he continued.

“Rize and I were still connected when she was injured. I… I felt everything that happened to her. But, at the same time, I didn’t feel it. It’s more like, I felt her mind’s reaction to it. I don’t know how to explain it any better. But, sometimes I can still feel her, in my head, and I can feel what she went through, and it’s just as visceral as if it had happened to me.

“I don’t remember much after Rize fell out of the drift. I don’t even know if I was fully conscious. There was just… weight, and pain, in my head. Moving the jaeger felt like wading through water with a person hanging off every limb. And the pain was so intense I felt like I was melting, and I just wanted it to _stop_."

He lifted his hands to his face, curling into himself. Hide moved closer to him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "You don't have to keep going, it's okay," he said soothingly.

Kaneki shook his head. His breath hitched in his throat, and his voice was muffled through his hands when he finally spoke.

"No, I -- there's more. There's more you need to --" He choked on a sob, cutting himself off.

“Okay,” Hide whispered gently. “Okay. It’s okay. Whenever you’re ready.”

Kaneki nodded, and let his hands fall into his lap, and then tentatively reached out to grasp Hide’s free hand. Hide opened his hand readily, letting Kaneki twine their fingers together, and squeezed gently when Kaneki’s hand settled against his. Kaneki seemed comforted by the contact, and after another deep breath, he was able to continue.

"I don't remember much besides the pain. But I remember using the jaws." Kaneki's voice had calmed, but the way he said those words made Hide's blood run cold.

"I always hated those jaws, and I hated when Rize used them during a drop. But against Yamori, it felt… right. Like the only choice I had. At first I just used them to pin him down, but then, by the end, you couldn’t even tell what shape his body had been. There was just a mess of parts, floating in the water, and there was blue everywhere -- that bright, sickening blue -- but I couldn’t stop chewing, and I could taste metal in my mouth and I didn’t know why. And Yamori was long dead but I was still chewing, and everything _hurt_ , but I couldn’t stop.”

Kaneki was gripping Hide’s hand tightly, tight enough to make him wince. The fingertips of his other hand were pressing hard into his knee, and Hide thought it must have hurt. But Kaneki didn’t seem to notice.

“Arima was the one who snapped me out of it. He overrode the Conn-Pod* and flashed an emergency light, so bright it hurt, and then I knew what the taste was from and I couldn’t keep the jaeger upright anymore. He spoke to me and gave me something to focus on.”

Kaneki’s grip was finally loosening, and Hide rubbed small circles into the back of his hand with his thumb in encouragement.  

“They came and collected us a few minutes later, once they were sure I wasn’t going to... They’d tried before and I’d been hostile. They never told me if I hurt anyone. I guess, I don’t really want to know."

"Kaneki, you don’t need to be angry with yourself,” Hide said as gently as he could, still rubbing small circles into Kaneki’s skin. "You piloted a jaeger alone, brought down a powerful kaiju, saved your co-pilot. Hell, Kaneki, you saved all of Tokyo. That’s no reason to feel guilty.”

Kaneki frowned. “But I didn’t… I didn’t even have control of myself.”

“Did you miss the part where you were piloting a jaeger by youself?” Hide chuckled, trying to sound light. “It’s incredible that you could move it at all. No one’s blaming you for being a little out of it.”

Now Kaneki looked angry. “That’s not what --” He frowned again, cutting himself off. He pulled his hand from Hide’s to run it through his hair, and Hide paled when he saw how it fisted in the hair above his left ear. “I wasn’t a human piloting a jaeger that day. I was just a monster. A monster tearing apart another monster and _enjoying it_.”

“Kaneki,” Hide whispered, reaching out for Kaneki’s hand again. When his fingertips brushed Kaneki’s skin, his grip loosened, and he allowed Hide to pull his hand away and cradle it in his own.

"I thought I was stronger now. I thought I could handle piloting again, and I’d be able to control myself. But then in the drift, everything came rushing back. It's been months. I thought I was over it. But the drift made everything so real again. I lost control again, and I --” He shook his head, letting his hair fall into his eyes. His fingertips were digging into his knee again.

"Hey, we're co-pilots now, right?"

Kaneki looked up and stared at him blankly.

"That means in the drift, it's us. Together.” Hide chewed his lip. “What I mean is, you don’t have to worry about being strong enough. Because you don’t have to carry everything alone.”

Kaneki’s eyes flitted back to his lap, then to his hand, still held in both of Hide’s. His breathing was shaky, his heart racing. He felt tight, wound up the way he did anytime he let himself think about _that day_. But Hide’s presence was a comfort in ways he couldn’t explain. Kaneki let his eyes slip closed, and tried to focus on the feeling of Hide’s skin against his, the warmth of his body so close beside him, the sound of his steady breathing.

“It must have been hard, living these past few months with that burden,” Hide’s soft voice was saying now. “Wondering if the people around you really trusted you to protect them, wondering if you’d even be able to keep protecting them. But, you aren't just sharing the weight of the jaeger with me.”

Kaneki inhaled sharply, unable to speak.

He squeezed Kaneki’s hand again, and Kaneki let out a choked whimper. “You don't have to shoulder your pain alone anymore.”

Kaneki sobbed, a broken sound, and turned to press his head into Hide’s shoulder. Hide’s arms came up to wrap around him, and Kaneki let himself be pulled closer against Hide’s chest. One of Hide’s hands ran up and down his spine, soothing him.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered. “It’s okay.”

For the first time in a very, very long time, Kaneki let himself believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Conn-Pod: the cockpit of a jaeger, where the pilots control the machine
> 
> Ok, I ended up cutting this chapter in half because the end was getting really long and is kind of hard for me to write, but I didn't want to keep anyone waiting for too long after the way I ended the last chapter!
> 
> Also, I'm trying to hold myself to a schedule, and I'd originally planned all chapters to be around 4k - 5k. But I'm having trouble keeping consistent. I've never made myself write on a schedule like this before, and the word count now seems kind of daunting. I could post longer chapters that would come out less often (maybe once every week or two?), or multiple smaller chapters (like 2k-ish?) as often as I'm able to finish them. But, I'm concerned about doing smaller chapters since I'd planned this story around larger chapters. Is there a preference among readers? I want to take your opinions into consideration when planning my writing schedule.
> 
> Sorry for the long end note this time. Again, thank you for reading! :)


	5. Phase: Kaiju

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was only a matter of time.

Hide awoke to a crick in his neck and an aching in his knees. A quick assessment of his surroundings told him he was folded uncomfortably on the couch in his living room, although not what he was doing there.

Oh, he remembered abruptly. He'd sat with Kaneki last night after Kaneki told Hide the things he'd kept bundled up for months, and they’d stayed up far later than usual afterwards. It started out with Hide telling Kaneki silly stories to make him laugh after he'd finished crying. But somehow hours had passed before either noticed, and then... He'd fallen asleep with his head on Kaneki's shoulder.

Hide flushed and sat up, searching the room for his co-pilot. But Kaneki was nowhere to be seen, and his bedroom door was wide open -- the way it had been last night. From this angle, Hide could see the bedroom was empty too.

Just as Hide was beginning to worry, the front door creaked open and Kaneki slipped inside, shooting him an apologetic look when he saw Hide was awake.

“Sorry, I wanted to visit someone, and I wasn’t sure if I should wake you before I left.” He crossed the room to the coffee maker, and began preparing their morning drinks now that he didn't have to worry about waking his roommate.

Hide hummed in response, then groaned as he stood up and stretched stiff muscles. “Let’s never do that again, please.” He raised his arms over his head and groaned again when his back cracked. “Next time let’s move to a bed. Seriously, why did we think sleeping on the couch was a good idea?”

Kaneki’s face flushed, and he turned his back to busy himself making their coffee. Hide pretended not to notice.

“Who were you visiting anyway?” Hide asked, twisting his torso to attempt to dull the aches in his spine.

Kaneki paused, finished cups in hand. After a moment of hesitation, he turned around to hand Hide his drink. He wore a sad smile, and couldn’t meet Hide’s eyes when he explained. “I went to see Rize. I used to visit her regularly, but I hadn’t been in a while. I felt like, after everything that happened, I needed to see her.”

Hide nodded and took his cup from Kaneki. “Next time,” he chewed his lip. “Next time, can I come with you?”

Kaneki blinked at him, eyes widening slightly in surprise. “If you want,” he answered.

Hide smiled and took a sip from his coffee. “Just as long as it’s not so early!”

Kaneki looked at him strangely. “It’s not that early. Our briefing with Arima is in half an hour.”

Hide gaped at him, attempting but unable to process that information just yet. He spun, searching for the clock on the wall by their door, and paled when he saw that Kaneki was right. “Shit! Why didn’t you say so sooner!” he exclaimed, placing his coffee down on the table and rushing to make himself somewhat presentable.

Kaneki hid his smile behind his cup while Hide loudly complained from the bathroom.

Ten minutes later, they were on their way to Arima’s office, and Hide was feeling quite proud of how quickly he’d put himself together. Even if he may have missed a few things.

"Your hair is a mess," Kaneki teased as the elevator doors slid closed behind them.

"Well maybe if someone had done me the courtesy of waking me at a reasonable time," Hide grumbled, ruffling his hair and trying to pat it down into a respectable shape.

"I'm not your mother,” Kaneki remarked, not even bothering to hide his smirk.

“Ugh, I give up,” Hide exclaimed when he spotted his reflection in the shining metal of the elevator walls. There was no way he was going to be able to fix that.

Kaneki had the grace to attempt to muffle his laughter.

 

* * *

 

Outside Arima’s office, Kaneki hesitated. The tension in his shoulders had returned, and though he’d made it all the way to Arima’s door, he couldn’t quite bring himself to enter yet. He glanced at Hide, who was waiting patiently beside him, and his co-pilot shot him an encouraging grin. It’ll be fine, the smile said. I’m with you.

Kaneki turned back to the door, took a deep breath, and pushed down on the handle. The door swung open, revealing the Marshal pacing behind his large desk, studying a document in his hand. He glanced up when the two entered, and placed whatever he was working on back on the table.

Arima gestured towards the chairs in front of his desk, and Hide and Kaneki each took a seat. They waited patiently while Arima sorted through some of his paperwork, apparently looking for a specific document before giving up and sliding the entire pile aside.

Finally, Arima fixed his eyes on the two pilots. “I’m sure you are aware that I am required to meet with you after the events of yesterday,” he said simply.

Kaneki nodded. “It was my fault, Arima,” he began before Arima could continue. “I overestimated myself. It won’t happen again.”

Arima watched him for a moment, face impassive, unreadable. “I’m not here to reprimand you,” Arima said finally. “As I stated, this meeting is required. You know what happened. That’s good enough. Don’t dwell on it. I’m confident in your abilities. Just do better next time.”

Kaneki frowned, but didn’t reply. Hide could see his thought process played out over his face. He was still blaming himself, despite Arima’s words of encouragement. And despite the conversation the two of them had last night.

Arima turned his head slightly to fix his gaze on Hide. “Your work has been acceptable thus far, Nagachika. But I expect improvements by the scheduled drift test next week.”

Hide nodded. "Yes, sir." His throat was suddenly dry, and he hoped his voice didn't sound as stressed as he felt.

Arima hummed, apparently satisfied with Hide's simple answer. "That will be all then. I'll see each of you in the combat room tomorrow."

Kaneki stood without another word, and Hide hurried to follow him out the door. He considered himself a people person, but Marshal Arima was hard for even Hide to read, and it unnerved him. Kaneki, on the other hand, seemed to know him well.

“That was… not what I was expecting,” Hide remarked lightly as they left the administrative wing, curious to hear Kaneki’s thoughts on the meeting.

“Arima isn’t one for redundancies,” he replied simply.

Hide hummed in agreement. That much had been apparent. It had struck him almost instantly that Arima had little care for the meeting, and had only conducted it as a matter of formality. It seemed that Arima thought the expectations of their performance as pilots and the next course of action were obvious. And, Hide agreed, they were.

There was another week of training before their next scheduled drift test, meaning they had a week to improve. One week to learn to meld their minds and control a giant machine well enough to defeat giant aliens from the ocean to protect a city of millions.

The pressures riding on them were crystal clear.

 

* * *

 

Their daily combat training began with a rough start after the meeting with Arim, but Hide had noticed their sparring matches had begun to have a calming affect on Kaneki, and today was no different. Despite the frown he wore when they entered the ring, by the time they finished, Kaneki was smiling easily at Hide’s silly remarks. He even readily agreed to join Hide in the mess hall for lunch, a place he’d been avoiding during meal times for months.

Kaneki acted normal enough as they gathered their food, but Hide could spot the way he gripped his tray too tightly, the way he kept his gaze fixed pointedly ahead, and the way he hovered closer to Hide than usual. And, of course, how his steps faltered when he realized which table Hide was leading them to.

Touka rolled her eyes when she saw Hide approaching, but her eyes widened and her jaw dropped when she spotted who was beside him. Hide didn’t bother to hide his grin.

“Hello, Touka,” Kaneki greeted sheepishly as he slid into the chair across from her.

“Wow, so he finally decides to grace the rest of us with his presence again," Ayato remarked in a mocking tone. "It's about time. Now my awful sister can finally stop worrying about you."

Touka flushed and elbowed her brother in the side. "Don't put this all on me, brat!" she retorted, then turned to Kaneki with a devious glint in her eyes. "He'd never admit it, but he was worried about you too. I know. I hear his boring thoughts every time we drift."

Ayato sputtered, face flushing red. "Are you sure you aren't getting us confused, shitty sister? As if I would waste my time worrying about a useless birdbrain like him."

Kaneki didn’t reply, but Hide noticed that his tentative smile finally reached his eyes.

After that, Hide found he didn’t have to try to convince Kaneki to join him in the mess hall. He ate with his friends every day that week.

 

* * *

 

The end of Hide’s second week in Tokyo was quickly approaching, and despite the fact that he’d only been stationed there for ten days, Hide felt like he’d been in the shatterdome for a lifetime. He’d gotten used to the schedule, the people, his duties, and even the maze of the building itself. And, he’d even grown to like it there. Minus the impending threat of giant alien monster attacks.

Hide had never lived with a friend before, and it was turning out to be an experience he thoroughly enjoyed. The small touches of another person in their shared living space were comforting, even when Kaneki wasn’t around. A stray coffee cup left on the counter. A reminder left pinned to the door long after it stopped being relevant. And finding a book left in a peculiar place and imagining Kaneki trying to do chores while still buried between pages never failed to put a smile on Hide’s face.

Hide even enjoyed the people Kaneki brought around him, like the regular reading lessons with Hinami in their living room, or the pleasant visits from Banjou, and even the awkward time when Arima came by to borrow a book.

But Hide enjoyed Kaneki’s presence most of all. Waking up to the smell of brewing coffee, coming back to their room to be greeted by a warm smile, the clean smell of Kaneki’s shampoo that permeated their room after a shower, and having someone to bother with his strange thoughts when Hide couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night.

And also having someone to drag along with him when Hide didn’t want to go somewhere alone.

“Come on, Kaneki! It’ll be fun!”

Kaneki glanced up over the top of his book. “I’m having fun right now.”

“But you could be having fun with me instead!” Hide pouted.

Kaneki stared a moment longer before sighing and placing his book down on the table. “Fine. Where are we going?”

Hide grinned. “How about a game of basketball?”

 

* * *

 

Kaneki had been to the recreational facilities before. He’d been living in the shatterdome for nearly a year now, after all. But he couldn’t quite recall how long it had been since he visited.

Hide had apparently already been there multiple times, and chattered excitedly about the games he’d played with people he’d met there. Kaneki half-listened as they walked, and wondered how he had the energy to be so animated all the time. But even Hide fell silent when they reached the court and saw who was already there.

“Well, look who I never expected to see here,” Ayato called over his shoulder from the other end of the court. He flicked his wrist, tossing the ball up into the basket, and didn’t bother to pick it up when it rolled past him.

Touka smirked as she approached the center of the court, where Hide and Kaneki had paused. “The new guy’s had that much of an affect on you, huh?”

Kaneki’s cheeks turned pink. “It’s not like I’ve never been here before,” he muttered.

Touka laughed. “What did he have to say to make you put down your book?”

Kaneki pouted, and turned his attention to the ball still rolling towards them. He stopped the ball with his foot and bent to pick it up.

“Are you guys here to play?” Ayato asked as he neared the group.

“That was the plan!” Hide replied with a laugh, scratching the back of his neck.

Touka grinned. “We could find out who the better team is.”

“I think we already know who the better team is,” Ayato huffed.

“Hey, how about we mix things up?” Hide suggested with a smirk.

Ayato and Touka each raised a brow to send him matching looks of incredulity, and Hide would have laughed if he didn’t think they would both punch him for it.

“How about, instead of one pair of co-pilots against the other, we split up? Me and Touka, versus Kaneki and Ayato. Sound interesting?”

The Kirishimas eyed each other, then their proposed teammates, apparently at least considering the idea. Kaneki was looking at Hide with an amused glint in his eyes, and Hide could tell he was intrigued.

Kaneki cocked his head toward Ayato, still staring at Hide. “I think we can take them,” he said, loud enough to ensure Touka and Hide could hear.

Ayato snorted. “Of course we can.”

“What was that?” Touka scoffed. “Did my useless brother and the resident bookworm just suggest they could beat us?”

“I think you heard us just fine, Touka,” Kaneki teased, tossing her the ball. “We’ll even let you start.”

“We’ll make you regret that,” Hide bit back, taking his place beside Touka on the court.

The four of them spread out slightly, taking their positions across from each other, watching their movements carefully. Touka dribbled the ball, staring down Kaneki. She smirked, and then rushed forward.

Kaneki moved to block her, but she slipped away from him with ease. Ayato chased after her, and nearly reached her. But in another second, she’d made her shot and sank it.

She picked up the ball as it bounced back toward her, and tossed it to Kaneki, who was still standing dumbfounded in the center of the court. “Your ball.”

Kaneki blinked as he caught it, and stared blankly at Touka, still smirking.

“Come on,” Ayato growled. “Are you gonna play or just stand there?”

Kaneki huffed, but turned his focus back on the game. Hide had taken the position across from him, and they stared each other down, waiting for someone to make a move.

Hide decided it should be him, and rushed forward to try to catch Kaneki off-gaurd. Apparently, Kaneki had been waiting for that, because he twisted easily away from Hide, keeping the ball close to him. But when he attempted to move around Hide, he let the ball get just too far from his body.

Hide took his chance and slapped the ball away, but Ayato was there to pick it up. He spun around Hide’s next attempt to block, and Kaneki and Hide both watched him dance around his sister. Their movements seemed mirrored, in sync, and amazing to watch. Hide wondered if that was how he and Kaneki looked when they sparred.

Touka leaned in, attempting to steal the ball from Ayato, but she missed her footing, giving Ayato an easy opening to avoid her. He slipped around her, and a second later they heard the swish of the ball falling through the net.

Hide started the next round, but was entirely unprepared for how aggressive Ayato played. The younger pilot rushed right up into Hide’s space, crowding his movements and easily stealing the ball from him.

Thankfully, the other Kirishima was just as aggressive. A few moments later, Touka managed to knock the ball from Ayato’s hands, right toward Hide. He snatched it up, turning towards the basket, but Kaneki was already on him. Hide turned again, keeping his back to Kaneki to avoid his attempts to steal the ball.

He felt the heat radiating from Kaneki’s body, hovering so closely to his own. Hide tried to focus on keeping fine control of his movements and predicting Kaneki’s, just like when they were in the ring. But moving his body in response to Kaneki’s and keeping control of a ball while trying to respond to Kaneki were two different things, he found.

One moment, he was turning to avoid Kaneki’s left hand as it reached around their bodies for the ball. The next, he felt Kaneki’s back rolling across his as Kaneki turned the other way, ball in hand, headed straight for the open basket.

Hide watched Kaneki sink an easy shot, and heard Touka’s exasperated shouting about his incompetence. But it wasn’t his fault Kaneki could move like that. Maybe he shouldn’t have suggested these teams afterall.

“What’s the score now, shitty sister?” Ayato taunted as Touka jogged over to the ball.

She shot him a glare as she stood, ball in hand, and Hide wondered how Ayato could stand to be on the receiving end of it. She opened her mouth to spout off a retort, but whatever she said was completely drowned out by the sudden screeching of an alarm over the intercom system.

Touka froze. She stared at the intercom system blaring the alarm, then at Ayato. He raised his head to meet her gaze, wearing a matching look of determination.

“Is that what I think it is?” Hide asked grimly.

Touka dropped the ball, letting it roll away to the corner of the room, and she and Ayato rushed from the gym, taking steps in sync.

Kaneki approached Hide, eyes still fixed on the intercom. Hide noted the weight of his steps, as if he were hesitating. He stopped beside Hide, and let out a heavy breath.

“Yeah,” he answered softly. "A kaiju."

He turned to face Hide, a heavy, pained look in his eyes. He didn’t want to fight, Hide realized.

“Let’s go,” he sighed, features suddenly hardening. The hesitation was gone from his voice.

Hide nodded, knowing better than to comment on what he’d seen, and followed Kaneki to the jaeger bay.

They arrived at the deployment room to find it already bustling with people and activity. Akira and Amon were nearly suited up, and Ayato and Touka were already heading down the hall to enter their jaeger. Techs rushed back and forth, bringing necessary equipment and readying the pilots as best they could.

Kaneki and Hide hovered near the corner of the room housing their suits, but no one arrived to help them get into their equipment. Kaneki fidgeted, watching techs add the final pieces to Amon and Akira’s suits. One handed Amon his helmet, and the senior ranger finally seemed to notice the two waiting in the corner.

He approached quickly, and Kaneki straightened up, anticipating orders. “You two are not to suit up,” Amon said, tone leaving no room for debate.

Kaneki’s lips tightened to a hard line, and he looked like he wanted to argue, but he held his tongue. He  watched Amon follow Akira down the walkway to their jaeger, and kept watching after the door to their cockpit closed behind them.

Hide placed a hand on his shoulder. “Come on, Kaneki. We should go.”

Kaneki nodded, and let Hide lead him back the way they’d entered.

Back in their room, Kaneki was acting twitchy, jumping at Hide’s small movements. He’d been unable to sit still since they’d returned, and it was starting to make Hide just as nervous.

“Is this typical?” Hide asked him. “To just sit in your room without any information while a kaiju attacks Tokyo?”

Kaneki shot him an angry look. “No. Usually I’m out fighting.”

Hide sighed. “I know, I just meant. For the people who aren’t pilots. What do they do during an attack?”

Kaneki stopped moving, staring hard at the ground. “Nothing. They sit and wait. No one tells them anything until it’s over. The only ones who know what’s happening are LOCCENT.”

“Then let’s go there,” Hide replied easily. He stood from the couch and waited, but Kaneki only stared at him.

“They don’t allow unnecessary personnel in the command center.”

Hide huffed. “We’ll tell them it’ll be a valuable learning experience for the new pilot. I don’t know how real drops work, after all. I need this information to better prepare for our eventual deployment. It’s worth a try at least. Or would you rather just sit here and worry?”

Kaneki glanced down for a moment, contemplating, and apparently decided that he agreed it was worth a shot. He stood and nodded at Hide. A moment later, the two of them were running through the shatterdome on their way to the command room.

 

* * *

 

As it turned out, no one questioned them when they entered. The staff were too focused on readings on their screens to pay any attention to the two stray pilots who’d burst into the room.

At the center of the front console stood Marshal Arima, and if he noticed or cared that two unapproved personnel were standing awkwardly in the back of the room, he didn’t give any indication.

They watched as a technician at the front of the room turned to Arima. “Sir, kaiju signature approaching in _Vengeance’s_ quadrant. Contact estimated in five minutes.”

Arima nodded, and leaned forward to the intercom microphone. “ _Vengeance_. Did you hear that?”

“Loud and clear,” Amon’s distorted voice echoed through the room.

 _“Rabbit,”_ Arima said calmly into the intercom.

“Sir,” Ayato and Touka replied in sync.

“Hold position. Allow Vengeance to intercept.”

“Understood,” Ayato answered with a hoarse growl. The intercom cut out.

Hide allowed himself to exhale in relief. They hadn’t missed anything. No one had been hurt in the time he and Kaneki had spent moping in their room. And no one seemed to mind that they were here, listening in.

Then, Arima turned and fixed his gaze on the two pilots by the door. Hide swallowed nervously. Great. He’d jinxed them.

Hide waited for Arima to tell them to leave, but instead he tilted his head up sharply, gesturing for them to approach. Kaneki stepped forward with no hesitation, and Hide rushed to follow him. Arima said nothing when they reached the front console, instead focusing entirely on the readings on the screen in front of him.

From here, Hide could see a map of Tokyo and the surrounding areas, with two blue points and one red point he could only assume were the jaegers and the approaching kaiju. The red dot was rapidly nearing the northernmost blue dot -- that must be Akira and Amon.

But then the southern dot started moving --

"LOCCENT!" Amon’s voice echoed through the room. " _Rabbit_ is--"

"I see," Arima answered calmly. " _Rabbit._ What are you doing?"

"Our jobs!" came Ayato’s gruff reply. "We're intercepting a kaiju. _Vengeance_ can be on cleanup duty for once."

"Your orders were to hold position." One of the pilots snorted. Arima ignored it.

"We'll be fine," Touka answered this time. "We've dropped kaiju bigger than this."

“Do not let the kaiju pass the ten mile mark,” Arima warned.

The pilots scoffed again. “This isn’t our first drop,” Ayato replied.

Hide wondered how Arima wasn’t infuriated by those two. This seemed reckless and irresponsible. The two jaegers had been deployed at specific positions in order to guarantee the kaiju couldn’t get within ten miles of Tokyo -- the standard minimum distance for intercepting a kaiju -- even if it was able to get past one jaeger. But with both jaegers in the same spot, all the kaiju had to do was change directions. If it was fast enough, it could bypass both jaegers and make it to the city before the slow machines could catch up. Hide chewed his lip, and hoped that the kaiju wasn’t that smart.

All eyes in the control room were glued to the main console, and the movements of the kaiju. So far, it kept its course, and Rabbit was on track to intercept it in less than one minute. Hide watched anxiously as the dots moved closer and closer together, almost there, and held his breath waiting for them to meet.

When they finally collided on the screen, nothing changed in the control room. Hide glanced around, wondering if he’d missed something, but the room was silent, each tech still working at their own station, Arima and Kaneki still watching the screen carefully. He followed their lead, turning back to the main screen and waiting. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the intercom buzzed back to life.

“Ugh, this one’s tough!” Touka reported. “It has a huge tail, and it’s quick. It keeps knocking us off-balance.”

“Shut up and fight, shitty sister!” Ayato cut in.

“That’s what I’m doing, brat!” Touka bit back, and the intercom went dead again.

Hide shot Kaneki a look, wondering if every drop with the Kirishimas was like this. Kaneki shrugged. Apparently so. Hide started to smile, but the next sound from the intercom made the blood drain from his face.

 _“Vengeance!_ We’re in trouble! We need --” A crash cut off Touka’s call for backup.

“We’re almost there, _Rabbit!”_ Amon assured, and Hide could see it was true. Vengeance was rapidly approaching, and would reach them at any moment.

 "Ayato!” Touka’s voice echoed through the control room, and then a screaming crunch of metal, then silence.

 _"Rabbit,”_ Arima called into the intercom. The seconds ticked by in agonized silence. Kaneki’s fingers dug into his palm.

Arima leaned into the microphone again. _“Vengeance,_ report.”

“We have visual on _Rabbit!_ The jaeger is still standing. Pilot status unknown,” Akira responded sharply. “Engaging target! We --” Her reply was cut off by a crash and the sound of alarms.

"Akira!” Amon cried, voice strained. “Deploy the spines!”

“I’m on it!” Akira barked back, and then the intercom clicked off.

Hide knew the intercom from a jaeger to LOCCENT required a pilot to hold down a button, and it was expected that the signal would end once the pilots were engaging a target. But it didn’t help him feel any better about the situation, especially with Touka and Ayato still unresponsive.

He also knew that the spined whip was _Vengeance’s_ trump card, and that Akira was a master with it. He’d heard stories of the epic kills Vengeance had managed with its specialized weapon. But the jaeger had sustained damage. Were they still able to fight at their best?

Kaneki was apparently wondering the same thing. “Send us out,” he demanded, stepping closer to Arima.

The Marshal didn’t answer.

“Arima. Send us out. They need help.” Kaneki’s voice cracked, taking on a familiar edge Hide had never wanted to hear again. Hide glanced down, and saw Kaneki’s hands clenched into tight fists, knuckles white, fingernails digging into his skin.

“Ken. They can handle this.” Arima’s voice was calm and firm.

“But we could --”

“Just wait,” Arima replied, the command evident in his tone.

Kaneki’s jaw tightened, lips pressing into a hard line, and his fists clenched tighter. But he didn’t speak.

The seconds ticked by with no word through the intercoms. The displays across the room showed the jaeger and the kaiju were still active, and most of the jaeger’s systems were functioning properly. That was a good sign, at least. They were putting up a good fight.

Hide shifted back and forth on his feet, wishing they knew something, anything else about the fight. He wondered if the people staring at their various screens knew what was happening. He turned back to Arima, studying the Marshal’s face, trying to read his reactions as he scanned the information scrolling across his screen. But, he had nothing. Arima’s face was as impassive as ever.

Hide switched his focus back to the screen that displayed the jaeger and kaiju positions. The dots were right on top of each other, but two of them -- the red and one of the blue dots -- were moving back and forth. The red dot retreated, and the blue one followed, and then the red lunged forward and the blue fell back.

A screen flashed red in the corner of his eye. He glanced over and saw a tech panicking in front of her console, which was flashing brightly. What did that mean? He looked to Kaneki, and saw his eyes were fixed on the same flashing screen, and his face had paled. It meant something bad then, of course.

Hide looked back at Arima, who was watching the screen with the locations carefully. The dots had slowed their movements, but were still right beside each other. Hide chewed his lip, waiting for something else to happen.

Then the red dot disappeared from the screen.

“Kaiju signature eliminated, sir!” the tech beside Arima reported. A few people in the room cheered. Did that mean the battle was over?

 _“Vengeance,_ status,” Arima ordered into the microphone.

“The kaiju is down. Amon is injured,” Akira’s sharp voice called through the intercom. Hide heard Kaneki inhale a quick breath. “Requesting immediate emergency extraction.”

“On the way,” Arima answered immediately. He waved a hand at a technician nearby, and the man began barking orders into a small microphone. Satisfied, Arima turned back to the console. _“Rabbit,_ can you hear me?”

There was a tense moment of silence. Every person in the room held their breath, eyes fixed on the front console, waiting for the reply.

Finally, “We’re fine,” came Touka’s rough voice through over the intercom. “We’re both fine. But we can’t move. The jaeger’s not responding. We’ll need extraction too.”

Kaneki let out a heavy breath and slumped over, suddenly too tired to stay upright. The tension of the battle had finally caught up to him. Hide reached a hand out to grasp his shoulder, and Kaneki reached up to clasp his hand tightly.

“They’re alright,” Hide told him, voice soft and comforting. “They’re all alright. You can relax.”

Kaneki laughed, a shaky, pathetic sound, and tightened his grip on Hide’s hand. “I know.”

Kaneki lifted his head and fixed his gaze back on the screen, watching the slow progression of the jaegers back to the shatterdome. His hand stayed wrapped aronud Hide’s.

 

* * *

 

Amon knocked sharply on Arima’s door with his left hand. His right arm was still held in a sling after the medical treatment he’d received that evening following the drop. He thought the sling was unnecessary, but he also had no plans to jeopardize his piloting ability by disregarding medical advice.

A voice beckoned Amon to enter, and he stepped forward, pushing open the door. He approached Arima’s desk to stand at attention before him.

“You wished to see me, sir,” Amon greeted.

“What’s the status on _Rabbit?”_ Arima asked.

"The damage is widespread, sir,” Amon replied curtly. “The maintenance team expects it will be weeks before the jaeger is fit for combat again.”

“And _Vengeance?”_

“Minimal damage, comparatively. The right arm needs repairs, but I was informed they should be finished within the week.”

Arima nodded. “And you?”

Amon straightened his back and stiffened his shoulders. “I am fit to pilot as soon as necessary, sir.”

Arima watched Amon carefully, but his expression remained unchanged. “Good,” he said finally. “When can I expect your official report?”

“Tomorrow morning at the latest, sir.”

Arima nodded. “I have a few other questions in the meantime.”

“Of course, sir. What do you wish to know?”

“There are some asking me if the Kirishimas are fit to pilot,” Arima stated. “What are your thoughts?”

Amon chewed the inside of his cheek, mulling over his words carefully. “I believe, sir, that they are capable pilots with excellent potential.” He paused, trying to decide how to phrase his next statements. “I also believe that they are very young.”

The corners of Arima’s eyes crinkled in what might have been humor. “Do you think they’re worth the PPDC’s time and expenses? This isn’t the first time they’ve seriously damaged their jaeger.”

“They’ve taken down five kaiju since they began piloting, and have assisted in multiple other kills,” Amon answered carefully. “I think those facts speak for themselves.”

Arima nodded. “I agree. Thank you for your input, Ranger Amon.” He picked up a pen and began to shuffle back through his paperwork. Amon marveled that he could keep track of it all, and wondered if the pay grade of a Marshal was worth all the extra burdens.

He turned to leave, but was frozen in place by a sudden thought. “There was… something else, sir,” Amon began carefully. Arima didn’t look at him, but Amon knew he was listening. “It’s about the problems with Ranger Nagachika and Ranger Kaneki’s drift test.”

Arima glanced back up, intrigued. “Go ahead.”

Amon hesitated under Arima’s gaze. “Ranger Tsukiyama has asked to be considered again,” Amon said finally.

Arima didn’t react. “Have you talked to Ken?”

Amon frowned. “I… haven’t.”

“Talk to Ken. We can discuss this more afterwards.” Arima turned back to his work, decisively ending the conversation.

Amon bowed respectfully, then let himself out of Arima’s office, mulling over how exactly he was going to broach the subject with Kaneki.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took me a little longer to get out! I kind of got stuck on a scene, but hopefully it turned out okay. I don't think there's any Pacific Rim-specific language in this chapter that I didn't explain, but if there are any terms or phrases that are confusing, let me know and I'll explain it!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	6. Phase: Nerves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two steps back, one step forward.

“And now we have to spend every damn day doing this shitty protocol training,” Touka was complaining loudly, stabbing her food with her fork, apparently more interested in venting her frustrations on her lunch than eating it.

“And whose fault is that?” Nishiki grumbled, rolling his eyes and slouching back against his chair.

“I don’t remember asking for your input, shitty Nishiki,” Touka glared.

"I'm just pointing out that you don't have anyone to blame but yourselves," Nishiki scoffed. "And I'm sick of listening to your complaining."

“Why is everything that comes out of your mouth so fucking annoying,” Touka fired back, leaning over the table and brandishing her fork in a way that resembled a weapon more than an eating utensil.

"Why don't we talk about something else?" Hide rushed to cut in before any blood was shed.

“How about your drift test tomorrow?” Nishiki smirked.

Hide buried his face in his hands. “Anything but that, please.”

Banjou’s deep laughter washed over the group. “Don’t be so grim!”

“Yes!” Hinami agreed eagerly. “I’m sure you and brother will do much better this time, right?” she asked, turning her attention to Kaneki. Hide lifted his head at that, curious to see Kaneki’s response.

“Uh, yes,” Kaneki agreed after a moment, smiling softly at Hinami.

She beamed back at him, and the conversation at the table moved on to lighter topics. But Hide noticed the way Kaneki’s expression fell as soon as Hinami turned away, and the way his fists tightened in his clothes. Hide frowned, although he knew he couldn’t say anything in front of their friends -- Kaneki would just clam up even tighter.

Hide sighed, and tried to turn his attention back to their friends’ conversation. But he couldn’t make himself think of anything but the way Kaneki sat tense and silent beside him.

It was a relief when it was finally time to leave for their afternoon session in the combat room. Hide practically leapt from his chair when he glanced at the clock and saw that their appointment was a mere twenty minutes away, and Kaneki seemed just as relieved to leave the group as Hide.

They walked the familiar path to the combat room in silence, and Hide noticed that Kaneki seemed far less stressed now that they were alone. Maybe he’d worried during their meal for nothing, he hoped.

But when he threw Kaneki flat on his back for the third time in a row, Hide realized things were never that simple.

“Come on, Kaneki,” he teased, extending an arm to help Kaneki up from the floor. “Where’s your head today? Usually you’re the one knocking me on my ass.”

Kaneki winced as he sat up, and took Hide’s hand, letting the other man pull him to his feet. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

Hide frowned. “Are you alright?”

Kaneki turned away. “I’m just... “

“Worried about the test tomorrow?” Hide ventured. From the way Kaneki’s shoulders fell, Hide knew he was on the right track. He reached out a hand to rest comfortingly on Kaneki’s shoulder. “Hey, who wouldn’t be after last time?”

Kaneki glanced back at Hide with an incredulous expression.

Hide held up his hands in his own defense. “Seriously! It’s understandable to be nervous! I’m nervous too! But, you won’t be alone in there. I’ll be with you. Remember what we talked about?”

Kaneki’s eyes softened. “Thanks, Hide,” he said quietly, and the corners of his mouth turned up in a small smile.

Hide smiled back at him and began to suggest they take a break from training for the day to relax together, but the sound of the door interrupted. Both pilots turned their head toward the intruder, then stiffened to salute their superior.

“Ranger Kaneki,” Amon called as he approached. Hide noticed that his arm was free of its sling, a good sign.

Kaneki nodded at his name. “Sir?”

“May I speak with you privately?” Amon asked with a quick look to Hide.

“Of course. But, I…” Kaneki turned to glance at Hide, brows furrowed.

Hide gave him an easy smile. “Don’t worry about me. We were done with training anyway, right? Just catch up later at dinner. I’ll be waiting for you.”

Kaneki nodded, and Hide gave a quick bow to Amon before snatching up his clothes and slipping out of the combat room.

"Is your training progressing well?" Amon asked when the door closed and they were alone.

Kaneki shrugged. “Well enough,” he answered. “Hide’s a good Ranger.”

“Do you have any concerns about the drift tomorrow?” Amon asked.

“I’m not worried.” Kaneki brushed his fingers over his chin. “Is that what you came all this way to speak to me about?”

"Unfortunately, no. I wanted your opinion on something.” Amon paused, deliberating how to broach the topic before deciding being straightforward was the best option. “Ranger Tsukiyama asked me to consider his candidacy again," Amon said, studying Kaneki carefully as he spoke.

Kaneki stiffened, but did not reply.

“What do you think of his request?”

Kaneki shifted uncomfortably on his feet. “I would prefer not to pilot with Ranger Tsukiyama,” he finally answered.

Amon exhaled heavily before continuing. "I thought as much. The PPDC has attempted to be accommodating, but there are other factors to consider."

“I understand,” Kaneki said stiffly. “You have to do what’s best for the program.”

Amon nodded grimly. “We aren’t changing anything for now,” he clarified. “We’re merely considering other options. The results of the test tomorrow may render these options unnecessary. And we’ll certainly take your opinion into account regardless.”

Kaneki did not seem comforted by Amon’s words. “Do what you think is best, Ranger Amon,” Kaneki replied, giving Amon a polite bow to signal his departure.

Amon watched Kaneki gather his things and leave the combat room, and wondered if he’d made the right decision telling Kaneki his thoughts.

 

* * *

 

Hide stared into his coffee as he stirred it absent-mindedly. The coffee had long since grown cold, but he couldn't bring himself to drink it. He'd been waiting for Kaneki nearly an hour, long after their usual group of friends had come and gone, and it had become very apparent that Kaneki had no plans to show up.

He sighed, and wondered if he should try their room or the roof first when he finally forced himself to finish his meal.

Hide smiled at himself, at the silly thought that he was going to eat any of the cold food in front of him when he had no appetite.

He'd finally made up his mind to leave when someone unexpected slid into the seat across from him.

“Uh, hi,” he greeted. “Tsukiyama, was it?”

Tsukiyama smiled. “Correct. And you’re Nagachika, unless I’m mistaken?”

“That’s me,” Hide replied, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. Tsukiyama set him on edge, although he wasn’t quite sure why.

“It’s not often I see you without Kaneki,” Tsukiyama remarked, eyes narrowing on Hide like a predator watching its prey. Oh. That was why.

“Amon wanted to talk to him,” Hide explained, and left out the part about Kaneki ditching meal time -- and Hide.

“I see,” Tsukiyama said, then quirked his head sideways. “Tell me, Nagachika, do you have much experience drifting?”

Hide didn’t like the direction this conversation was headed, but he couldn’t think of a good reason to avoid this topic with Tsukiyama. He wondered if he was being too harsh, and tried to push his feelings of discomfort aside when he answered. “Uh, no, I don’t. I’ve never piloted before. The test with Kaneki was my first time hooked up to a jaeger.”

Tsukiyama nodded knowingly. “I have a bit more experience than you,” he smiled. “Would you like some advice?”

Hide shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He supposed it couldn’t hurt, right? “Sure,” he answered finally. “Why not?”

Tsukiyama’s grin widened. “Excellent. The things they tell you in those manuals are alright, but they’re merely basic guidelines. They don’t tell you what it’s like to actually drift with someone.”

Tsukiyama twirled his fingers and settled back in his chair.

“Do you know why they prefer family bonds in pilots? Or established romantic partners? Or even pilots who have worked together for years beforehand?” Tsukiyama asked airily. When Hide didn’t answer, he continued, unswayed. “It’s because pilots with shared memories have a better frame of reference in the drift.

“Consider the Kirishimas. They’re rash, abrasive, impulsive. They aren’t ideal military material. But the PPDC loves them. Because they have such a strong connection to each other, and therefore to their jaeger. So, what is the key difference between the bond shared by the Kirishimas and the one presumably shared by Kaneki and yourself?”

Hide watched Tsukiyama carefully, sure that the other man had some ulterior motive in this conversation. Hide chose his words precisely when he finally answered, “We’ve known each other for a shorter amount of time.”

Tsukiyama scoffed. “That’s putting it mildly.” Hide was sure he wasn’t imagining the bite in Tsukiyama’s voice. “But, Rize and Kaneki didn’t know each other before they were assigned to pilot together either.”

Hide kept his expression controlled, careful not to give away his thoughts. “How were they able to sync so well, then?” he ventured, certain that Tsukiyama was hoping he would ask.

Tsukiyama smiled. “Rize had a way of getting around that ‘lack of shared memories’ problem. Perhaps you should ask Kaneki about it?”

Hide nodded, but doubted he would ever do as much. If Kaneki hadn’t brought up a way to help them sync better, there must have been a good reason for it. Right?

Tsukiyama smirked, as if he knew Hide’s thoughts. “Did you know, I was assigned to pilot with Rize before they found Kaneki? Though our sync rates were not as impressive, they were still nothing to scoff at.” Tsukiyama leaned forward, resting his chin on his hand and still wearing that crafted smile. “I was also considered to replace Rize before they found you.”

“Then why did they decide to use me instead, I wonder?” Hide mused aloud, scratching his chin. He knew it was petty, deliberately provoking Tsukiyama like that, but he couldn’t resist after Tsukiyama’s last remark.

It worked, too. Tsukiyama’s smile fell into a hard frown for a moment before he fixed his expression. “That’s the way things go,” he answered vaguely. “Your test scores must have been good. But I’m still in consideration, you know. Did you think the Marshall would let you two keep failing your drift tests forever?”

Hide swallowed, throat suddenly dry. He hadn’t considered that, and felt like a fool for not realizing it sooner.

Tsukiyama hummed, apparently pleased with himself. “Yes, there’s no way Marshal Arima would let a pilot like Kaneki go to waste. Kaneki has a strength I’ve never seen rivaled. Although Rize came close, she still couldn’t touch him when it came to mental fortitude. The PPDC needs him.”

With that, Tsukiyama stood from his chair, and Hide breathed a sigh of relief to finally be rid of him. But he paused, as if a thought just occurred to him. “I hope, for Kaneki’s sake, they made the right decision choosing you.”

Tsukiyama turned away, waving lazily and calling goodbye over his shoulder in a language Hide didn’t know.

Hide watched him go, the uneasy feeling in his stomach only growing. He should have known the PPDC would have a backup plan. That was a serious oversight on his part. But the PPDC wouldn’t replace him so quickly, would they? After all the trouble they went through to find him, ship him out here, and train him? And they had to see the progress he was making with Kaneki. They couldn’t expect him to be perfectly able drift with another person after what happened to him, right?

But doubt was festering in the back of his mind. Maybe they would replace him that easily. Maybe they didn’t care whether Kaneki recovered. Maybe if the test went poorly tomorrow, they’d replace Hide with someone who wanted to pilot, someone with experience, instead of someone completely new to drifting who only cared about helping his co-pilot.

Maybe if the test went poorly, they’d replace Hide with Tsukiyama.

Hide stood from the table, unable to bear sitting alone in the mess hall any longer. Sitting and brooding alone in his bedroom while waiting for the drift test sounded much more appealing than sitting and brooding alone in public.

The long walk back to his room wasn’t much better for his mood, but when he opened the door, Hide felt his hopes rise.

Kaneki was seated on the couch, book in hand, looking perfectly relaxed. Maybe he’d simply forgotten about dinner, and Hide had been worried for nothing.

“Kaneki!” he greeted as he crossed the room, putting on his brightest smile.

Kaneki looked up from his book and smiled shyly in return.

“I missed you at dinner!” Hide whined playfully, and Kaneki’s eyes went wide.

“I’m sorry, Hide, I didn’t mean to --”

“It’s fine!” Hide rushed to reassure him. He waved his hand dismissively and plopped down beside Kaneki on the couch. “I figured you had a lot on your mind after whatever Amon talked to you about. Don’t worry about it.”

Kaneki frowned, but didn’t reply.

“I didn’t eat alone anyway,” Hide continued, trying to put Kaneki at ease. “Tsukiyama came by to keep me company.”

Kaneki’s grip on his book tightened. “Oh?” he asked, trying to sound casual, but Hide heard the way his voice wavered.

“Yeah, it was the first time we talked, actually,” Hide replied carefully. “He seemed really polite.”

“I see,” Kaneki said curtly. He closed his book and stood from the couch. “I’m turning in. Good night, Hide.”

“Kaneki,” Hide called as the other man strode away, but Kaneki didn’t answer.

He pushed open the door to his bedroom and slipped inside, and Hide was left alone.

“Great job, Hide,” he cursed at himself under his breath. He’d miscalculated, and said something to make Kaneki’s mood worse. It was an unpleasant reminder that he didn’t know Kaneki as well as he thought he did. A reminder that he didn’t need the night before their next drift test.

He frowned as he stood and cross the room to his bedroom. He paused in the doorway, and gave one more hopeless glance to Kaneki’s door -- still shut tight -- before he closed his own.

On the other side of his door, Kaneki sat on the edge of his bed. He stared at the wall, his mind stuck in a cycle, running through every way the test tomorrow could go wrong, and every way it would be all his fault. And every option ended the same way: with Tsukiyama replacing Hide as his co-pilot.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Kaneki greeted Hide with a smile and a fresh cup of coffee, as usual. But Hide could tell whatever had upset Kaneki last night was still bothering him.

The bags under his eyes were darker than usual, and Hide wondered if Kaneki had gotten even less sleep than Hide had. He was more withdrawn too, Hide noted during breakfast, when Kaneki was even quieter than usual.

Waiting to enter their jaeger’s cockpit an hour later, Hide felt jittery with nerves. Kaneki had been wearing that fake smile Hide hated for their superiors during their pre-test briefing and while suiting up.

Hide glanced over, and nearly jumped when he realized Kaneki was already looking at him.

“Nervous?” Kaneki asked with a small smile.

Hide forced himself to laugh. “Hardly,” he lied. “We’ll do great, I know it!”

Kaneki watched him for a moment, then wordlessly reached out to grasp Hide’s hand and give it a reassuring squeeze.

Hide gaped at him in surprise, then broke into a genuine grin. Kaneki smiled back -- the first real smile Hide had seen all day -- and then the doors in front of them opened, and they entered the cockpit together.

 

Their second drift test started innocently enough. Pre-drift sync rates were high -- high enough that Amon praised them for it over the intercom. And when they opened the drift, everything seemed much smoother than before.

The drift was calm, empty. Hide felt Kaneki’s presence like a comforting warmth in the back of his head. He couldn’t read Kaneki’s mind, but he could feel his emotions, and right then, Kaneki seemed relaxed.

“Try moving the jaeger,” Arima’s voice came over the intercom, and Hide shifted his focus from Kaneki to the task at hand.

“Raising right arm,” Kaneki said aloud, and Hide followed his instructions. They raised _Tokyo Ghoul’s_ right arm. The fist closed, opened, and closed again without a need for the pilots to speak their intentions aloud, and an encouraging cheer came over the intercom from the control room.

Together, guided by the Marshal, they took the jaeger through a series of easy exercises to test their connection. All extremities responded appropriately and without incident. Hide was elated, relieved that all his worries had been for nothing, and the disaster of their first drift would stay in the past.

Then Hide felt a pull, and knew they were falling out of sync even without the quiet robotic voice warning them through the intercom.

“Kaneki, what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine,” Kaneki snapped, but he was hunched over, eyes gazing unfocused at the floor.

In moments, the drift became a storm, an oppressive weight of dark thoughts and emotions and memories that flitted through Hide's mind like debris in the wind. But there was one thought Hide could make out clearly.

_Stop._

Hide’s stomach plummeted. After all the effort he put into building a relationship with Kaneki, his co-pilot still didn’t trust him. Didn’t trust him to the point where he was actively trying to avoid sharing anything while their minds were linked. The realization hurt. Maybe he'd been wrong when he thought they shared something.

His heart ached at the thought, and he raised his hand to clasp over his chest. Why did this hurt so much? Was it because he’d finally let himself think he was done being alone, and now he had to face that Kaneki didn’t feel the same? When had Hide pinned so many hopes on this other person without realizing it? What should it matter if this pilot didn’t want to drift with him? This pilot who was still essentially a stranger, and who apparently wanted to stay that way?

"I want out," Hide heard a cracked voice saying, and it was only when he felt the burn of his parched throat that he realized the words were his own. "Stop the test. I can't do this."

He felt Kaneki’s shock through the drift, but focused on the voice coming over the intercom instead. Arima’s voice was calm and steady, and didn’t question Hide’s request. The Marshal merely advised that it would be a few moments before the control room could safely end the drift, but assured Hide that they’d begun the process. The connection would be slowly weakened, so as to avoid unnecessary shock or stress to the pilots.

Hide flipped the switch on his intercom to report that he understood, and waited for the drift to close. He thought of Tsukiyama's words, of the way Kaneki acted this morning, and thought that maybe Tsukiyama was right. Maybe Tsukiyama was better suited to pilot with Kaneki than Hide was.

And then Hide felt a jolt in the drift, and felt Kaneki slipping farther away. Then he heard laughter -- a woman's voice -- and screaming. His stomach plummeted. It was that memory again, the one that ran away during the last test. That was Rize's scream.

He turned toward Kaneki and his stomach sank. The other pilot was hunched over his control panel, gripping tightly to the console, panting and gasping for air. He winced, and a hand shot up to grip the side of his helmet -- the same side from before, Hide realized.

“Make it stop, _make it stop,”_ Kaneki begged, and Hide’s chest hurt at how broken his voice sounded. He was slipping away, quick.

 _Why hadn’t the drift closed yet?_ Hide wondered, feeling himself begin to panic. What was taking the control room so long? Shouldn’t they be ready to shut it down? Hide wanted to scream at how helpless he felt. Kaneki was here, in the drift, reliving his worst memory again, begging for it to stop, and there was nothing Hide could do about it.

Abruptly, he remembered what Tsukiyama said about the drift -- shared memories make the connection stronger. Maybe there was something he could do after all.

“Kaneki,” he called firmly. When Kaneki didn’t respond, he tried again, louder. “Kaneki. Look at me.”

The other pilot’s head turned, eyes searching the cockpit through the haze of the drift to finally focus on Hide. He looked lost, but he was trying to stay grounded. That was good, Hide thought. That was better than last time.

"Remember when we took that trip into the city?" Hide prompted, and Kaneki nodded hesitantly after a moment. "You told me about your favorite author, and you bought her new book. We found a playground and sat on top of some giant plastic whale and looked at the sky. Remember? Think about that night."

Kaneki nodded again, and Hide focused on the same memories, trying to get Kaneki to feel them through the drift instead of the painful ones that plagued him. Hide thought he felt the tension in the drift start to lighten, and continued talking, desperately hoping that his plan was working.

"Or think about the time we stayed up so late talking that we fell asleep on the couch. I had a crink in my neck for two days after that. It was totally worth it though. Remember our conversations? We talked about the silliest stuff. Your sense of humor is so weird, but it’s so refreshing.”

The drift had calmed significantly now, Hide was sure of it. The alarms and flashing lights were gone, and Kaneki’s posture had relaxed as well. Hide could swear he saw the hint of a smile on his face through his helmet, and kept going with the memory.

“Remember the stories you told me?” Hide laughed. “You talked about that play you were forced into as a kid, and you even recited some of the lines for me. And I told you all about the ridiculous things I got involved in with the clubs at my old school. I even told you about that time everyone teamed up to shoot fireworks at me, and you thought that was the funniest thing you’d ever heard.”

Kaneki laughed at that, and Hide wanted to cry out of relief. A moment later, a robotic voice notified them that the drift had closed completely, and the test had ended. And then Hide laughed too, because he didn’t know what else to do.

Kaneki was okay. They were both okay.

He pulled off his helmet and a moment later, Kaneki did the same. Their eyes met, and although Hide could see his eyes shining with tears, Kaneki was looking at him with the most adoring smile Hide had ever seen.

“Thank you, Hide,” he said softly.

Another moment and Hide was across the room, wrapping his arms around Kaneki, and both of them ignored the voices coming over the intercom, asking them to report and to exit the jaeger. They could deal with the outside world later. For now, they were content to stay together in this room, where it was just the two of them.

 

* * *

 

Amon sat in the living room of his and Akira’s shared quarters, staring down at the reports and data from the failed drift test that morning. It was getting late, and he still hadn’t finished his own report, although he knew Marshal Arima would be expecting it tomorrow at the latest. But he couldn’t bring himself to decide one way or the other whether to allow Kaneki and Nagachika to drift again after two failed tests.

He heard the front door open and close, and knew that Akira had returned after finishing her work for the day. He didn’t glance up or greet her when she entered, which was unusual, and she noticed immediately.

“You seem more tense than usual,” she joked as she crossed the room. Akira sat down beside him, scanning over the documents on the table in front of him. “Tell me your thoughts.”

Amon sighed. “I don’t know if they’re a good match. Kaneki carries too much into the drift, and Nagachika is too inexperienced to handle that.”

"I don't think that was what today's test demonstrated at all,” Akira replied simply.

Amon lifted his head, one brow arched in confusion. “What do you mean?” he asked.

Akira leaned her head against Amon’s shoulder as she considered her reply. "Well, they successfully synced with the jaeger. And Nagachika was able to calm Kaneki this time, right? He realized what was happening and took action to stop it before it escalated, and he was successful. He’s a quick learner, and he knows his partner well already."

"Hm, I suppose you're right," Amon conceded, leaning his head against Akira’s.

“He figured out Kaneki quicker than you figured out me,” she added in a teasing tone.

Amon sputtered, affronted, and finally managed a reply. “You didn’t exactly make it easy.”

Akira laughed at that, a sound Amon heard all too rarely. He smiled -- despite the knowledge that she was laughing at him.

“Hm, you’re right about that,” she conceded, and brought her hand up to grasp his.

They sat in silence, enjoying the other’s company. Akira didn’t need to speak for Amon to understand her gesture. That was part of the benefit of drifting, he supposed. Eventually, you stopped needing words to communicate. He squeezed her hand, and knew she smiled when she felt it, and that she knew all the things he hadn’t said.

“Don’t worry about them so much,” she said softly, finally breaking the silence. “They’ll be alright.”

Amon hummed, and considered her words carefully. He’d learned long ago that she was rarely wrong. Maybe he should take her word on this topic too. He sighed, still unsure even with Akira’s confidence.

Abruptly, she stood from the couch. She kept her hand tight on his, and tilted her head invitingly toward their bedroom. “You’ve been working too hard,” she told him. “Let’s turn in early for once.”

She grinned at him, and he smiled despite himself. “As the lady wishes.”

Akira scoffed at him, but pulled him with her to their room without another word.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't hate Shuu! I actually love him a lot! He's not a villain here, just... complicated.
> 
> Also, this chapter took a lot longer to get out than I expected, and I apologize for that. At first, I spent all my writing time working on that HideHaise AU (I'm only a little sorry about that), but once I started working on this, I realized that my original plan for this chapter didn't work. So, I ended up rewriting most of this chapter… multiple times. But I'm finally satisfied with the way it turned out, and hopefully you all feel the same. I hope it was worth the wait!


	7. Phase: Rize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This conversation is long overdue.

Hide woke to screaming.

"Kaneki," he mumbled, and tried to stand. But his feet tangled in his sheets, and he toppled to the floor.

He groaned, suddenly wide awake, and picked himself up enough to turn on the lamp by the bed. Hide rubbed his aching head, eyes squinted in pain and confusion, then all at once remembered why he'd tried to rush from his bed.

Hide scrambled to his feet, kicking his blankets out of the way, and crossed the room to his door as quickly as he could. He yanked the door open, ready to dash to Kaneki's room, but what he saw froze him in place.

Kaneki was standing there in the doorway, face red and stained with tears, and eyes wide with panic.

Hide gaped, too shocked to form words, and Kaneki spoke instead.

"I --" His voice cracked and he paused before trying again. "I thought you were -- I had a dream and you... I had to make sure you weren't --" The words caught in his throat, and he couldn’t bring himself to explain further.

Hide stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Kaneki. Gently, loosely, so Kaneki could pull away if he wanted. But instead, Kaneki moved closer, burying his face in Hide's shoulder and reaching up to grasp the sides of Hide's shirt, holding on tight.

The physical contact seemed to help, and after a few long minutes, Kaneki's breathing slowed and his tense muscles relaxed. Finally, he stepped away, and Hide let his arms fall back to his sides.

"Sorry," Kaneki mumbled. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Hide smiled at him. "Don't worry about it! I was already awake! I couldn't really sleep." Hide laughed and scratched his chin.

Kaneki gave him an incredulous look, but he didn't argue.

"Are you..." Hide trailed off, unsure how to proceed. Of course Kaneki wasn’t okay. And Hide very much doubted that Kaneki would answer honestly if Hide asked.

Kaneki shifted awkwardly on his feet and looked away, and Hide knew he was right. He knew the lie was coming before Kaneki opened his mouth, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop it.

"The drift must have really gotten to me today, but I'll be fine." The fingers brushing across his chin felt like a slap to the face.

Hide knew he was being unfair, that he couldn’t expect an almost-stranger to trust him so easily. Especially when he knew that stranger didn’t exactly have a good history with the last person he was supposed to trust.

But damn if it didn’t still hurt for Kaneki to keep pushing him away like this, after everything he tried to do to show him that he cared.

The jealousy and doubt that had surged up in the drift threatened to return, and Hide tried to swallow it down. Kaneki was here, in his doorway in the middle of the night, because… why? He’d had a nightmare about Hide being hurt, and had needed to see that he was okay. That was something, Hide reminded himself, even if Kaneki was still afraid to talk to him.

Kaneki was here right now because he cared. And by the way he hesitated in the doorway, he seemed reluctant to go. And Hide was reluctant to let him.

“Do you… Want to stay here tonight?”

Kaneki’s wide eyes fixed on Hide’s.

“Um, you know, if you don’t want to be alone. In case you have another… We could even, I don’t know, just… Stay awake and talk, or you could bring a book over or something,” Hide mumbled, scratching the back of his neck and trying to ignore the heat rushing to his face.

After what felt like an eternity of awkward regret and nervousness under Kaneki’s silent stare, Kaneki nodded. “I’ll get my things.”

He turned his back and Hide breathed a sigh of relief. He didn’t think he’d have been able to sleep if Kaneki had refused -- he’d be too busy worrying.

Hide pulled the thick comforter off his bed and arranged it on the floor, then plopped himself down onto the makeshift futon. There was a soft rustling noise, and Kaneki appeared in the doorway again, this time with his pillow and blankets in tow. Hide snagged his own pillow from his bed when he saw Kaneki brought his own, and settled himself back on the comforter.

“What are you doing?” Kaneki asked as he stepped into the room.

“Getting comfortable,” Hide replied, as if it were obvious. “You can take the bed. I’ll be sleeping here.”

Kaneki frowned. “I can’t make you sleep on the floor in your own room.”

“You aren’t making me do anything. I’m choosing to sleep here and give you the bed.”

Kaneki took a few more steps into the room and eyed the spot on the floor beside Hide. “What if I refuse?”

Hide gaped. “What are you talking about? Just take the bed.”

Kaneki shifted his gaze to Hide, then back to the spot on the floor. And before Hide could react, Kaneki unfolded his blankets and laid them across the floor beside Hide.

Hide sputtered, trying to discourage him, but Kaneki continued rearranging his blankets until he was satisfied. When Kaneki finally settled down onto his own makeshift bed, Hide let out a loud, exasperated sigh.

Kaneki turned to look at him, eyebrow raised. “What?”

Hide shrugged. “Here we are, both on the floor, and that perfectly good bed is going to waste.” He gave Kaneki a pointed look.

Kaneki snorted. “Because you’re too stubborn to sleep in your own bed.”

Hide gasped. “I’m too stubborn? You’re calling me stubborn? After you refused my hospitality?”

“Aren’t you the one who said we should move to a bed after that time on the couch?”

Hide ignored the way his face heated up at Kaneki’s reminder. “Yes, but I’m also the one who invited you to spend the night here. And that should mean the guest gets the bed.”

“Or the host could sleep in his own bed since the guest decided to sleep on the floor.”

“Or the guest could stop being so difficult and let the host do something nice for him.”

“Or maybe the guest should just leave so the host gives up and sleeps in his own bed.”

“ _Or_ both of those stubborn jerks finally stop arguing and go to sleep on the floor so they can both regret it in the morning.”

Kaneki sighed. “Fine.”

“Fine,” Hide echoed, and reached up to flick off the lamp.

The darkness was strangely comforting. It made him focus on Kaneki’s presence, they way Hide could _feel_ exactly where Kaneki was, just a short distance away, close enough for Hide to reach out and grasp his hand or --

Hide blushed, grateful that Kaneki couldn’t see him, and not for the first time, he wondered if Kaneki felt the same way. Could he feel Hide’s presence in the room? Was it a comforting thought for him? Despite all their training together, Hide still didn’t know how Kaneki felt about him.

Hide thought back to the drift, about the worries running through his mind when they’d fallen out of sync, and that they still hadn’t talked about that.

“Kaneki?” Hide whispered, and cleared his throat to try to cover the way his voice nearly broke.

“Hm?” he hummed back.

Hide took a deep breath, and made himself speak the words that had been on his mind all day. “I’m sorry. About the drift.”

He didn’t know what he was expecting after his apology, but the silence that fell in the room wasn’t it.

Hide forced himself not to say anything, not to take his apology back, not to try to play it off or ask Kaneki to forget about it. They needed to talk about this if they were going to drift again.

“Hide, it wasn’t your fault,” Kaneki finally answered, voice soft and melancholy. “I let myself get lost in my memories again. I should have --”

“But it was my thoughts that triggered your memories, wasn’t it?” Hide cut him off, unable to let Kaneki keep blaming himself, not after everything that had happened.

Kaneki didn’t reply.

“I thought so. I was careless and thought of things that upset you.” Hide felt his hands shaking, and was grateful Kaneki couldn’t see him. “I should have known better than to think about our first test while we were in the drift. Especially when I knew you were already tense.”

"That wasn't what..." Kaneki exhaled heavily, but when he spoke again, he sounded more upset with himself than with Hide. “I didn’t tell you. What Ranger Amon wanted to talk to me about…”

“We don’t have to talk about this, Kaneki,” he said softly, unable to bear the waver in Kaneki’s voice.

“Not talking caused the problem in the first place,” Kaneki reminded him bluntly, and Hide frowned. He was right, of course. Hide knew that. This was why he’d started this conversation.

Hide nodded, and Kaneki seemed to understand even without being able to see the gesture, and continued. “He asked what I thought about replacing you with Tsukiyama. And the idea of that was... I can’t drift with him.”

Hide heard the sheets shift, and knew without seeing that Kaneki’s hand was drifting up to his ear.

“I was trying not to think about it.” Kaneki’s voice had taken on a ragged edge. “I thought we'd drift fine, and it wouldn't be an issue. But when you said Tsukiyama came to speak to you, I thought he’d planned something, and I… panicked."

Hide reached out, and his fingertips met Kaneki’s forearm. He’d been right, he thought as his heart sank. He traced his fingers up Kaneki’s arm to the hand hovering beside Kaneki’s head. Kaneki let him weave their fingers together, and slowly lower their hands to rest between them.

Kaneki breathed deeply, and Hide rubbed his thumb along Kaneki’s soothingly. When he spoke again, Hide was relieved to hear his voice had calmed.

“Before I arrived, Tsukiyama was close to Rize. He was supposed to pilot with her, but I replaced him. He... didn't handle that well.”

Kaneki paused, and Hide knew there was more that he wasn’t saying. But Kaneki was already saying so much, and Hide knew it was difficult for him. He didn’t want to push him by asking for information Kaneki wasn’t prepared to give.

After another moment, Kaneki continued. “I consider him a friend now. But, it’s hard to trust him. Especially if he's trying to replace you. Stay away from him,” he warned, voice suddenly hard.

Hide nodded before he remembered that Kaneki couldn’t see him. “I will.”

He felt Kaneki’s hand relax, and a silence fell upon the room again. Their hands stayed clasped together, and Hide let his eyes slip closed, focusing on the feeling of Kaneki’s hand in his. His felt himself drifting off to sleep when --

“I wasn’t trying to keep you out.”

The words were whispered so softly, Hide almost thought he’d imagined them.

“Hm?” he hummed drowsily.

“In the drift. I wasn’t trying to keep you out,” Kaneki repeated more firmly.

Hide was suddenly wide awake, heart pounding in his chest so loud, he was sure Kaneki could hear it.

“I… don’t mind drifting with you. I was feeling overwhelmed, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to drift with you. I trust you.”

Hide inhaled sharply. He was sure his heart was going to break out of his rib cage at this rate. But Kaneki kept talking.

“I feel connected to you. Not just in the drift. I don’t know how to explain it but… You’re important to me, and if something were to happen to you because of me… I’ve kept things from you, and it’s put you in danger. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have --”

“Kaneki,” Hide breathed. “It’s okay. We’re both okay. And you’ve told me now. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“But there’s still… About Rize…” He trailed off, voice wavering slightly, and Hide squeezed his hand.

“Don’t worry about that right now,” Hide assured him. “We can talk about it in the morning. For now, let’s just get some sleep, okay? I think we both need it.”

Kaneki let out a short laugh. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Hide smiled. His voice sounded lighter. He squeezed Kaneki’s hand again, and this time Kaneki squeezed back.

Hide felt giddy with happiness, and despite the darkness, he buried his face in his pillow to hide what he was sure was a ridiculous grin.

Kaneki trusted him. Kaneki wanted to drift with him. Kaneki felt connected to him.

All the doubts weighing him down had dispersed so easily with Kaneki’s words, and Hide’s chest felt so light, he thought he could float away.

Kaneki was here with him, laying right beside him, and their hands were still clasped together.

Another ridiculous grin broke across his face, and this time, Hide didn’t try to smother it. Instead, he let himself drift off to sleep, listening to Kaneki’s gentle breathing and grinning like a fool.

 

* * *

 

If Hide thought falling asleep beside Kaneki was the best thing that had ever happened to him, it was only because he hadn’t yet experienced waking up beside Kaneki.

When his bleary, heavy eyes opened to the sight of Kaneki smiling down at him, Hide thought he must have died and ascended in the night. There was no other explanation for how heavenly Kaneki looked beside him, illuminated by thin rays of sunlight shining through Hide’s window.

The way the sun reflected off Kaneki’s messy white hair made him glow, and the way his grey eyes gleamed in the light caused Hide’s breath to catch.

“Good morning,” Kaneki greeted, and if Hide wasn’t already dead, Kaneki’s sleep-roughened voice definitely killed him.

“Good morning,” Hide stuttered out when he finally regained his breath.

“How’s your back?” Kaneki asked, and Hide furrowed his brows until he tried to sit up.

“Oh, ow,” he whined, twisting to try to stretch out the aches in his spine.

Kaneki laughed. “Me too.”

“Next time you’ll listen to me and take the bed then, right?” Hide muttered grumpily.

“You mean you’ll sleep in your own bed next time?” Kaneki scoffed.

“You’re going to let me suffer this way for nothing?” Hide whined.

“You chose to suffer,” Kaneki reminded him, groaning as he stood to stretch his own back.

Hide huffed. He pulled himself to his feet and cursed his past self under his breath for being so stubborn.

“Hide?”

“Hm?” Hide hummed, glancing up through his messy bangs.

Kaneki rubbed his upper arm nervously. "I was thinking of going to see her. Do you still want to come with me?"

Hide’s eyes softened. "Of course I do. Just let me know when you want to go.”

Kaneki smiled gratefully. “After breakfast?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Hide grinned.

 

* * *

 

  
The hospital wing was just as uncomfortable as Hide expected.

The sterile white of the walls and floor, the smell of heavy cleaning chemicals, the glow of the bright artificial lights. Hospitals had always made Hide uneasy, although he was trying not to let it show for Kaneki’s sake.

He wasn’t sure how successful he’d been, as Kaneki had reached out to grab his hand when they arrived on the floor. And Hide was fairly certain Kaneki hadn’t done that for his own comfort. But Hide found it hard to complain when the end result was Kaneki’s hand in his.

Kaneki paused in front of a door, and glanced back at Hide, asking permission before entering. Hide nodded, and Kaneki knocked lightly on the door before pushing it open.

A single bed sat in the center of the room, and a woman lay asleep atop it. Even from a distance, Hide could tell she was pretty. But as he followed Kaneki further into the room, he was struck by how beautiful she was.

“Hey, Rize,” Kaneki said softly when he reached her beside, smiling down at her. He stood still, watching, as if waiting for a response, but none ever came.

Kaneki pulled a nearby chair closer and gestured for Hide to do the same.

“Rize, I brought someone to meet you today,” Kaneki continued once they were both seated. He turned to look at Hide, and his sad, gentle smile made Hide’s heart ache. “This is Hide,” Kaneki told her, eyes still fixed on the man beside him.

He paused, and Hide realized he was waiting for Hide to speak. “Um, hi, Rize. It’s nice to meet you. I’ve… heard a lot about you.”

Kaneki turned back to Rize. “He’ll be piloting with me now. I’m lucky the PPDC was able to find me such a talented co-pilot. We’ll take good care of the _Ghoul_ for you.”

He reached out to pick up a book from the small table beside the bed, and Hide recognized it as one he’d seen Kaneki reading before.

“Do you remember where we left off last time?” Kaneki asked, gently opening the book to a marked page. “It was one of your favorite parts. The Black Goat’s Egg was struggling with himself, tempted to claim his first victim.”

Kaneki began reading, and Hide was transfixed by the soft lilt of his voice. He read with confidence, adding inflections or pauses at just the right moments to draw listeners in. Hide found himself hanging on every word, despite the disturbing content. But the way Kaneki read was… beautiful. Hide didn’t know any other word for it. The way his face lit up, animated as he read a character’s dialogue, the way he added gestures to accentuate particularly dramatic moments. But mostly, it was the passion he so obviously displayed.

Hide had never seen Kaneki doing something he so clearly loved. His eyes were alight, and the air about him had changed as well. His energy felt almost infectious, and he was drawing Hide deeper in with every passing moment.

And then, far too soon for Hide’s liking, Kaneki finished reading the chapter, and closed the book to set it back on the bedside table. He looked at Hide, a questioning look on his face, and Hide nodded. Kaneki stood, and they moved their chairs back against the wall.

“I’ll come back to see you again soon,” Kaneki told her, and hesitated as if he wanted to add something else. But, he shook his head, thinking better of it, and followed Hide out of the room.

The walk out of the hospital wing and back to the elevator passed in silence, until the pair entered the elevator.

“Wait,” Hide called when Kaneki reached out to press the button for their floor.

Kaneki obeyed, but sent Hide a quizzical look.

“I don’t really feel like heading back down there yet,” Hide answered, shuffling his feet. “Do you want to join me on the roof?”

Kaneki nodded easily. “I’d like that.”

Hide pressed the top button, and the elevator ascended with a soft whir.

“Thank you for coming with me,” Kaneki muttered as he watched the numbers of the floors ascending.

“Of course,” Hide replied quickly. “I can tell that she was -- _is_. She is important to you.”

Kaneki smiled, though Hide noticed he looked somewhat strained, and nodded. “She’s certainly left quite a mark on me.”

The elevator slowed to a halt and the doors slid open, and the two pilots stepped out onto the rooftop together.

“I wanted to tell you about her,” Kaneki said as he led them to the spot they’d talked before.

They sat down beside each other, facing the ocean, and Hide waited for Kaneki to continue. Kaneki glanced down, gathering his words before he spoke.

“Rize was brilliant. She was an incredible pilot, strong and quick to adapt to difficult situations. And she was an avid reader, and loved discussing her favorite books. But…” He exhaled and looked out over the water, eyes sad and unfocused. "Rize was only interested in others insomuch as they amused her.

“She liked to… explore. In the drift. If a memory that interested her flitted through your mind, she’d pry until she found what she wanted. It’s hard to control your thoughts, even when you’re focused on piloting a jaeger. And Rize knew just how to manipulate the headspace*.”

“What do you mean, explore?” Hide asked. He had a feeling he knew what Kaneki meant, but he didn’t want to cause any more misunderstandings.

“She liked to bring up my worst memories,” Kaneki clarified. “Things I’d rather forget. She did it with everyone she piloted with, and she also liked to bring up their bad memories too. Make me feel what they felt when she pried into their minds. She liked to bring it up outside of the drift, too. To see how I'd react.

“It was… unpleasant. But I don’t hold it against her. The drift takes a lot out of you. That was her way of keeping a sense of control, a sense of herself. She had her own memories she didn’t want to find in the drift. And I didn’t mind. I could handle it.”

Hide wanted to say that it didn’t seem like Kaneki had handled it, but he held his tongue. Either way, that was all in the past. Kaneki wasn’t piloting with Rize anymore. Kaneki’s days of shouldering his burdens -- and everyone else’s -- alone were over.

“You don’t have to anymore, though,” Hide said softly.

“No,” Kaneki agreed. “I have you now.”

Hide reached out to grasp Kaneki’s hand, and Kaneki reached out to meet him halfway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Headspace -- where the two pilots’ minds communicate during the drift. This is different for every pair, and can be anything from a conversation to an abstract thought exchange.
> 
> I’m really worried about posting this chapter because I’m not sure if I kept both Kaneki and Hide in character? But I really needed to write this after spending the entire manga and anime wanting to shake them and tell them to just talk to each other already. ~~Really this whole AU was just an excuse to force them to talk.~~ So. This chapter happened. ~~And wow too much dialogue not enough giant robot fights.~~ Those are coming up soon.
> 
> Also, I have a tumblr now! I’m planning to post progress reports for each chapter as I write it, and maybe a few preview scenes or drabbles here and there. You can find me at [artificialghoulwrites](http://artificialghoulwrites.tumblr.com/). :)


	8. Phase: Progress, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is their last chance to get it right.

Days passed since they visited Rize together, and Kaneki seemed to relax around Hide even further. Their next, and apparently final, drift test was in the morning, and though Kaneki was clearly nervous, he was able to discuss his fears with Hide, and even gave Hide pointers for dealing with the rush of the drift.

And tonight, instead of planning or training or otherwise stressing about the drift tomorrow -- their last chance to prove they could pilot together -- they sat back to back on their couch, leaning against each other. Kaneki was immersed in a book, while Hide caught up on the newest volume of his favorite manga (which was about jaeger pilots, of course).

Hide traced his finger along the edge of a page, turning it as quickly as possible when he finished reading, but felt Kaneki straighten his back and sigh behind him.

"Hey," Hide prodded gently, leaning his head back to rest against Kaneki's. "We'll be fine."

He felt Kaneki's shoulders hunch forward. "Yeah," he agreed. His voice was faint.

Hide turned his head to the side, until just barely able to see Kaneki in the corner of his eye. "You won't be alone, remember? You've got me."

Kaneki stiffened for a moment, so quickly Hide barely noticed it, but then he relaxed against Hide and nodded. "Yeah," he repeated, more confidently this time. "We have each other."

 

* * *

 

Preparations for the drift test were the same as always. Hide almost knew them by heart now, and didn't even need to be prompted to raise his arms when being locked into his suit. The walk to the cockpit was familiar now too, as was the anxious look Kaneki gave him each time they strapped themselves into their controls.

He heard Kaneki exhale heavily, and knew he was trying to keep his thoughts under control. Hide couldn't touch him, not locked into his controls on the other side of the cockpit. But he could still reach out to him.

"Ready?" Hide asked with a nervous grin.

Kaneki smiled despite himself, and nodded. "Ready."

"Initiating neural handshake," the familiar robotic voice announced, and the drift hit Hide hard, knocking the breath from him and leaving him disoriented for a moment. He doubted he'd ever get used to that feeling, that sudden drop and the overwhelming rush of thoughts that came a moment later.

But when he steadied, when his thoughts stopped racing, there was a comforting presence floating in the corners of his mind, just out of reach. Hide knew he couldn't reach out to it, but he also knew it was Kaneki, and he didn't need to. Instead, he breathed deep, and focused on syncing with their jaeger.

He felt it when it happened, the moment he and Kaneki merged with the jaeger. It was dizzying, suddenly aware of the giant robot's body the way he was aware of his own. But it felt natural this time.

"How are you feeling?" Amon asked over the intercom.

"Good," Hide replied quickly. "Good. Kaneki?"

Kaneki nodded, and took a deep breath before answering. "Good. Relaxed."

"Run through some basic motions," Arima commanded.

Hide rolled his eyes, and heard Kaneki muffle a snort of laughter. Hide shot him a grin, and focused on raising the arm on his side. He watched, feeling his excitement brimming over, as the jaeger's arms lifted in sync. The hands curled into fists, then moved into a defensive pose in front of the jaeger's head.

One by one, they moved their jaeger into each of the poses and motions they'd been practicing together in the combat room, and each action seemed easier and more fluid than the last. Soon, they were flying through their practice drills, moving their jaeger in sync without hesitation.

"We're going to run you through a simulation," Arima's voice announced over the intercom, and Hide immediately felt a chill through the drift.

"A simulation?" Hide asked nervously. Kaneki's anxiety was seeping into him, and no one had mentioned running a sim before the test today.

"It's not a test drive if you stay locked up inside the shatterdome," Amon answered through the intercom.

Kaneki sent a nervous look to Hide, and he tried to return a reassuring smile. But he was sure Kaneki could sense his own worries through the drift.

"We got this far," Hide reminded him -- reminded them both. "We made so much progress. We can do this."

Kaneki hardened his expression and nodded, turning back to his controls. Hide could still feel his anxiety through the drift, but now it was accented by determination.

A moment later, a heavy whirring noise signaled their jaeger was being strapped back into place. Just in case, Hide realized.

Then the display went dark, flashing back a moment later to show the bay outside. The simulation had already begun.

"Target approaching from the southeast," an electronic voice announced. A red dot pinged on their map, rapidly closing the distance between their blue dot in the center.

"Let's do this," Hide urged, eyes glued to the display.

"Mm," Kaneki hummed his agreement, watching his own console just as closely.

The dot drew closer, and they shifted their jaeger naturally into a defensive position, bracing for impact.

The first blow still came as a shock.

The kaiju burst from the ocean with a deafening scream, its movements hidden in the fountain of water that sprayed out around it. And then Hide felt a heavy strike to his chest, heard the metal of the jaeger's armor creaking, and they fell backwards, off-balance.

The kaiju moved forward, still screaming, this time aiming for their head, but Kaneki drew his fist back and landed a punch to the side of its head.

The kaiju was knocked backwards, but an instant later it was back upon them, pressing forward, letting loose another otherworldly shriek. They stumbled backwards, staying just out of the kaiju's reach, barely avoiding the incoming blows. The creature fought like nothing Hide had ever seen before, moving unpredictably and wildly, lunging at any part of the jaeger that was closest to it. Hide felt a panic building in his chest. He felt unprepared, useless, like he was holding Kaneki back. If only --

"The claws!" Kaneki shouted through the intercom, interrupting his thoughts before he was too lost. Hide rushed to flip his own switches and ready his controls.

An instant later, Kaneki swung his arm through the air, claws extending from _Ghoul's_ fingertips mid-swing to slash the kaiju across the chest. The kaiju was sent reeling, stumbling back from the massive blow, arms flailing to cover the gaping wound, which heated metal of the claws had cauterized on impact.

Hide wanted to cheer, but the kaiju righted itself a moment later. It was clearly stunned, but nowhere near finished.

They took a defensive stance again, legs wide to brace them, arms extended in front of them, and waited for the kaiju to strike. It roared and rushed forward, but they were ready.

Hide's hand shot forward, catching the kaiju in the throat and stunning it, while Kaneki aimed another blow. Hide tightened his grip, and held the kaiju in place as Kaneki buried his hand in its chest. The kaiju shrieked, and Kaneki's arm twitched, and then the monster went still.

Hide let go, and the kaiju collapsed, crashing into the water and sinking beneath the rush of waves. The signal on their display blinked once, then disappeared. The monster didn't resurface.

Hide glanced over at Kaneki, and saw him staring back, an easy smile adorning his face. He felt a rush through the drift, and he couldn't tell if it was his own emotions, or Kaneki's, or some combination of both. But he found he didn't really care.

He felt relief, he felt ecstatic, he felt connected. And mostly, he felt a gentle warmth spreading through his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, sort of. I'm so sorry you all had to wait so long for this chapter. As I mentioned on my tumblr, I've struggled with depression recently and I couldn't bring myself to write. I'm working really hard to get better though, and I think I'm making progress. I'm trying to make myself work on this story more to encourage me.
> 
> I'll be breaking down my planned chapters into smaller, more manageable ones for now, so that writing each part seems less daunting. The chapters will be labelled in the titles so you can tell which ones go together, if you care to know. I still have plans for 16 total pieces of the story, it's just that the pieces will now be spread over multiple chapters.
> 
> Thank you all so much for being patient with me while I took five months to write this 1.3k chapter. I promise the next chapter won't take me nearly as long.


End file.
